Genererie Laforge (ultimaverizon) wrote in ed_ucate,
Genererie Laforge
ultimaverizon
ed_ucate

I wrote the following as an entry in my own journal. It's a kind of looking back as a guy who is just about recovering (i thought) from depression and EDs. I think what prompted it is I fell in love at the end of last year, and I felt I had to tell my girlfriend someting about it, I had to be honest and open. I told her about my obession with food, with nutrition, and plain not eating. I told her of a time where everyday is a struggle against the enemy, a struggle against food, a struggle to be perfect. A time when your mind is lost in an overwhelming maze of strict self inflicted rules that tie up your mind. I thought that would be enough and it could be left at that, but it keeps rearing its head. My girlfriend has noted that I don't eat a lot, she's noticed my detailed attention to food. She's met my mother and in passing conversation they exchanged accounts of how I 'was one you have to watch to make sure whether I eat or not.'

I went on holiday this new years eve with her, camping. She tells me I'm the most wonderful guy she's ever set eyes on and my body is beautiful. I shake my head and tell her I'm not - when I look in the mirror I see a small tummy that's too big for my liking, although when she taps it it doesn't even shake. I'm ever so glad for her love, but what if I ever become too relaxed that I lose care of my body and she won't love me. I'm aware of...it. I thought it was gone.

Anyway so for anyone interested, under the cut is sort of my look back at my time struggling with this shit.

I haven't been giving negativity a lot of mindspace for a long time.

It's funny, because right now, I'm feeling pretty good. It's all still there - it's still the same life I'm in, in fact, sometimes it feels harder now I'm feeling better. I suppose that's something to do with being challenged, being active in life,...you'll feel things get on your wick like never before because that's part and parcel of you know, living - being involved in the day to day challenge of life.

You can be inside that life, but living outside of yourself, outside of the challenge of life. That's when things get messy, or at least that's how I feel. You start retreating from active life, from putting yourself out there, you start losing yourself, your will...your heart and energy in life seems to be hovering over you absent, like a soul leaving a dying body.

You know. I still have issues. I don't eat a lot, and food, and nutrition play on my mind constantly, ensuring my head is always a buzzing mess of confusion over whether or not, this issue, this disorder I have with food will ever go...maybe it won't. Maybe I'll always have this problem, and obsession with food and not eating - whether there be good or bad times. I'm just glad I'm able to have good times despite it. I'm glad to say it's not got the same vicehold it did have on me at it's peak, but that just makes it all the more worrying when signs of it arrive...how many calories is in that? how much do I weigh? the pride i feel while all my workmates moan about newyear post consumption diets after they've finished off a tub of chocolates in a day, and I haven't touched one,,,,I start to worry what if it's evolving itself like a supergerm modifies itself against too commonly used penicilin....what if it's modifying itself in a more tolerable form, that will potentially be worse because it will be with me for life.

I don't know. All I know is I feel so much joy about life these days. I look back and identify and appreciate the interesting life i've had so far. I remember being a kid wondering what it would be like as a grown up, and being excited at the thought; and you know I have to say that I was right to be excited - it is great. I see photos of me now, and can see facial features that are the same as the boy in the photos of me as a child - i'm still that same person - I've got this far, and i'm very grateful for it...life is such a rollercoaster ride and even the downs in it still don't spoil it - they make you cherish the up times.
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