I have a loving family and friends I deeply care about, I love my boyfriend more than anything but they obviously cannot really follow my thinking pattern when it comes to my eating disorder.
I'm 21 now, I've had bulimia for the past 6 years now, my BMI is around 30, in the past years it's fluctuated between 25 and 35.
Within these years I changed between different extremes. The only timed I'd feel ok about my eating where when I was heavily restricting between 400-900 calories a day. I would still go to university but I'd feel very ill and low and very depressed. I'd still purge, too, just not as much. I don't think there's been more than one or two weeks in the past years when I managed not to throw up. In the really bad timed I'd binge and purge up to five times a day and my body hated it, my low point was falling asleep at university in a course because I was so strained from purging.
I come from Berlin but right now I'm living in Copenhagen until the end of January.
I had big plans for this exchange semester, mainly being awesome at university (I had courses that sounded brilliant!), losing weight, learning Danish.
I've managed none of these. I feel like a huge loser.
In July I met my boyfriend for the first time. We've known each other for almost three years now, but we'd only speak online. After a lot of to and fro-ing he said he loved me and wanted to be together with me.
That was really strange for me because I'd been only able to meet him as I'd started getting Venflaxine/Effexor as a treatment and thus was a lot less anxious about things, sometimes to a weird degree. I was convinced he'd hate my looks and change his mind about me and just wanted to get over with it.
I realize that before I'd met up with him I'd used him as a tool to get myself to lose more weight. I'd set a target weight at which I'd be able to meet him and a weight at which it would be okay for me to be with anyone.
So with him now being with me and telling me that I'm beautiful the way I am I find it horribly conflicting. I had a fight with my mother about it because she said "Is he really okay with you being fat? Wow, he must be a really good person then."
Due to my boyfriend my best friend whom I live with went very crazy. At first she said she had a crush on him, which I found saddening but for her sake than mine. However one night apparently she lay awake listening to us making out and we overestimated the sound proofness of the door between our rooms. The next day she acted like a complete psycho. She does have mental issues, too, depression and something else that hasn't been diagnosed, but I'd never seen her like that. Later the day she gave me a notebook where she'd written down her feelings about the night. I was worried how it had freaked her out but it took me many hours until I got that this was about me! She was jealous because I was with him. It made me feel very uncomfortable because they were sentences about my moaning being the most beautiful sound she'd ever heard and how much she'd wish she could give me so much pleasure, etc etc.
Anyway, I still tried to help her and tell her that yes I'd still want to be her friend. We've been best friends since we were about 14/15, this kind of friendship where you finish each other's thoughts and so on. She had never said anything in the way of being attracted to me. On the contrary, she had sometimes said that lesbians made her feel uncomfortable and that she was judgmental towards them, which was very hard for me as I'm bisexual and the only relationship I had before the one I'm in now was with a girl.
Over the next weeks she got very agressive. She wrote me up to 100 messages a day, I went to live with my brother for a few days because I couldn't stand being so close to her. She blamed me for all of this, told me I was wearing too daring clothes (no one ever said something like this and my boyfriend said it's nonsense) and that I hugged her too often, things like that.
Even after we'd "talked" about all of this she'd sometimes say things like "Oh, it's so hard not to touch you."
I was so angry with her, mostly for not telling me earlier and for the way she was acting, I feared I'd lose my best friend and then have no one.
I was very happy to get to Copenhagen and get away from it all.
After this I started hearing voices again like I had in the worst of starving times. I got very autoaggressive and cut a lot. I had a lot of panic attacks, mostly to do with my boyfriend. Mostly about his exgirlfriend (I saw pictures of her by accident and she was so thin) and trying to deal with the fact that he loved her, and trying to not think of the fact that had she not left him they'd still be together and all this. But I also sometimes got panic attacks because of my fear of alcohol (and him drinking), when we talked about porn, war, politics, veganism and pretty much everything I feel strongly about and he disagrees.
I went to my psychiatrist and got prescribed Lorazepam. Within weeks I went from .5mg to 1.5 to 5mg and I had to take more and more for it to work. I didn't like it much. It would just knock me out and make me feel asleep and forget what happened, and according to my boyfriend I would babble a lot and have "mild seizures". I realized that this couldn't go on. I had panic attacks several times a day and was never sure whether to take benzos and sleep all the time or to try and be strong but run the risk of committing suicide. I wound up in the psychiatry but ultimiatively had to leave again because I didn't have my CPR number (some official document you need here in Denmark if you stay for more than three month) so I did the only thing that seemed logical and went Cold Turkey.
I spent weeks in bed, shivering, feeling awful, etc etc, I don't want to bore you with the details of the withdrawal symptoms but maybe it's an indicator that the only drug that is supposed to be harder to quit is Heroin. And that actually going cold turkey is strongly discouraged because you run the risk of dying from it.
Anyway, being so busy with getting off this drug I had missed too much university to still finish my classes I felt, especially my Greenlandic course which made me very very sad. Also, I hadn't been able to go to the gym which meant my eating was very very bad. When I go to the gym regularly I manage to eat healthier and purge less.
In October I'd tried the JUDD diet and while I lost weight I had to stop it after a few days. I struggled with the up days too much. I'd eat starchy shit and even though I'd still be within my calorie limit I'd feel much too full and would have to purge and then feel awful.
I went really crazy one day when I fought with my boyfriend and I was so close to killing myself. I was hyperventilating and just wanted to talk to anyone to get over with it. As I didn't have any medicine anymore after Id stopped taking the benzos.
That day my Finnish friend talked to me and what she said inspired me to try and get into a clinic. I talked with my psychologist and my psychiatrist and my parents and they are trying to convince my insurance company to pay a few weeks-long stay at a clinic before next semester in Berlin starts. However when they both wrote the papers to send my psychiatrist wrote his long list including "bulimia" while my psychologist wrote that it was the other thing that is described basicly as „almost bulimia“. That upset me very much and I wrote her an e-mail asking her what made her say that. That I knew the „requirements“ for it, I knew I had it. All I kept thinking was that she said it because of my weight. That I was too fat to be properly ill in her eyes. She wrote back saying we could discuss it if I was back in berlin and still would want to know, maybe. Which was a big „yes“ to my fear of why she'd said that.
Two-three weeks ago I'd just started restricting heavily again. I was so down and didn't even feel like working out, or doing anything except for lying in bed and reading. When my boyfriend tried to talk to me I was being really bitchy and awful. But I'd wanted to finally be able to not eat again, the only way I know how not to purge, when I've actually managed to not be hungry/have no appetite.
However, last week my boyfriend basically said that he wasn't sure if he could do it, stay with me, when I was so difficult and that he knew it wasn't my fault that I was ill but that he felt like whatever he did it wasn't good enough for me.
I was in such a state of shock. The idea of him leaving me, mainly because I was so "difficult" which i was a lot more thanks to being so disordered, it made me want to recover. The first time in my life I was so full of that feeling that I really wanted to get well. Not just stop throwing up but actually stop being eating disordered. Full stop.
I only got two months left here and I feel incredibly confused. I am trying to channel all my eating disordered thoughts into trying to eating as healthily as I can and wanting to eat a lot of raw food. My boyfriend says that's just another part of my perfectionism trying to take over. But... I mean what else can I do. I don't want to take my bulimia take over, I don't want to starve myself (well, of course I want to but I know I shouldn't) and I don't want to go back to my childhood coe-behaviour either. Isn't it logical to try and eat these things that don't make me binge OR purge, that don't stress me out as much, and to try and not to count calories? To actually try and eat intuitively?
I don't know what I will do until I leave this city. I already now miss it. I feel like I wasted my time here, that I didn't manage to use it more efficently.
I certainly don't know what I will do if they don't accept my plea and I won't be able to go to the clinic. While I'm scared of the clinic I'm even more scared of being declined. For me that would be proof that I'm not ill enough and just didn't work hard enough for either.
The best thing I can imagine is that I get obsessed with going to the gym again. When I work out for 2-3 hours there then I feel okay eating 1200-1300 calories and I feel rather okay-ish, but I know it's not healthy either. And its not healthy to be so concerned with it all the time.
I am just so lost. I feel like someone is trying to take my identity and I don't know what's left instead. I really don't know how to eat. If I try to not eat by eating disordered standarts it all gets even harder, to go by health and my mind makes it all so much more confusing...