undecided (dopo_mezzanotte) wrote in ed_ucate,
undecided
dopo_mezzanotte
ed_ucate

I had a discussion with a friend tonight about her extreme desire to lose weight, how much better she would feel about herself and how desperate she is to lose it. I realize I have the same thoughts, but she is not eating disordered. Neither am I, I guess, but I feel entrenched in the daily anxieties about food, weight, pills etc. She is not, but may reach that point. I feel that I should tell her everything. Just to get it all out there & also to prevent her from what may be coming. I don't think I can (Okay, I can, but don't feel ready to right now) stop this in myself, but I want to scream at her that it is not fun to stand in the cafeteria for 30 minutes, walking back and forth, debating between fruit (healthy), pizza (to be immediately followed by laxatives, water and ephedra), diet pop (guilt free, but won't help the hunger) etc...I feel like I am being hypocritical, seeing as I just seem to have 'disordered eating' and not an eating disorder. But I don't know why, I feel like telling her. But then again, could I make her understand? And God, I'm not even totally "into" the ed state of mind. I don't even know half of it, I'm sure. But I hate that I can't order food without worrying what the scale will say tomorrow. I can't go for longer than a few days without weighing myself. I can't stop taking diet pills. I don't want that for her. She has no idea, neither do I, but maybe I could help her understand...? Who knows....?

She knows some things. She knows I take diet pills, she knows I like my scale. (Or hate it rather, but it's such a thin line). She knows I 'think I'm fat'. But I want her to really know. That it's deeper than not fitting into a pair of jeans or feeling a little guilty because you had a second slice of cake. Or even a first.

What do I do? Do I tell her? Do I wait? Do I say nothing and hope she figures it out? I'm really stressed over this and don't know what to do...

x-posted to my journal & ed_ucate
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