swatchicle03 (swatchicle03) wrote in ed_ucate,
swatchicle03
swatchicle03
ed_ucate



Hey everyone. I looked through the memories and found discussions related to recovery and treatment, but my question kind of takes a different spin.

My eating disorder (anorexia) started when I was 13. By 14, I was forced into treatment and recovery - the hospital twice, and then IOP for 8 weeks. Being 14, I was incredibly young, although I had deep, complex thoughts. Being 14, I was forced to recover from my only year old eating disorder. Medical experts say that "catching" an eating disorder in its early stages or at an early age results in a higher success of recovery. I can understand that - an eating disorder in its early stages is less severe and the person isn't in as deep, but I don't believe it entirely.

First, it's not likely that someone forced into recovery actually recovers. I mean, it's entirely possible and I'm sure it happens. It didn't for me. Becauase I was 14, I had no choice but to say "OK, I am going to eat and gain weight and recover and be happy because that's what you want me to do!" So I did gain weight, work on emotional issues, but in no way was I recovered. During my treatment, I always told myself that when I was 18, no one could force me into treatment. So, I could essentially "get better" while forced to, and become sick again later because no one could tell me not to.

Also, being so young and going through treatment, gaining weight, hating my body, and then going back to school, being immersed in the teenage years, surronded by adolescent fears and times when girls go through periods of horrible body image, development, maturation, self discovery, ect. - it was so hard for me, so young, to go back to school, wise and mature, dealing with the hate of my body, feeling like I was alone. Because, I was. Very alone. No one my age was experiencing what I was. I mean, to certain levels every teen girl does. But mine was so severe and I had no one. I was so beyond my years. I think this also led to me not fully following through with recovery. I was so alone because I had been forced to grow up. Many mothers would come talk to me, this 14, 15, 16 year old girl about their daughters and their concerns about their eating/issues. I was sick of feeling like the wise old lady and I felt like such a hypocrate because in my head, I knew I was going to relapse.

I am 19 now. And, I am sick again (suprise). Because I told myself, being forced into recovery, that I would eventually go back to my disease. I thrive of knowing that no one can force me to get better anymore, that I can starve, because I can. How fucked up.

I know that my questions may not apply to all of you, maybe not any of you. Either way, I'm interested in your thoughts if you're willing to share.

- If you were forced into recovery, especially at a young age, or in the early stages, what were your thoughts/experiences?
- Did you follow through with recovery? Have you relapsed?
- What kind of treatment did you have?

Forgive for the rantish/tangent-like style of this entry and forgive my over-analytical mind. I just have so many thoughts and why things happen in my life. Thanks for reading and I would appreciate any feedback.

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