mess of details. (five_feet_small) wrote in ed_ucate,
mess of details.
five_feet_small
ed_ucate

therapy experiences

i just got finished looking through the memories for entries related to my question. i did find a few helpful things: treatment stories and what is recovery?, however my question is slightly different.

i've been bulimic for two years now and everything is building up-- the mental aspect, the physical effects, etc etc. it is my LIFE. i'd like to start regularly talking to a counselor at my school about all of this (the depression, low self-esteem, anxiety, the ed)...hopefully i will be able to muster the courage to call and make an appt today.

i just have no idea what to expect. i've never been in therapy; save for the one session my mother made me go to when i was ten. my father had just left and i sat there, arms crossed and silent the entire time. my problem is that i'm a very reserved person. i also have issues with intimacy; i've never been extremely close with someone, ever. i've never mentioned this--or any of my other issues-- to anyone before. partly because it feels unnatural to spill this out to a random person, partly because i'm scared. i really don't have any desire to recover, yet. i just want to be able to have an outlet for all of this bullshit and i hope that it will, somehow, push me into wanting to recover.

will i pick the topics we talk about? am i going to be doing most of the talking or will the counselor? are they going to give me advice or just listen? doesn't it feel weird to just sit there and talk about yourself? what if i just starting crying and can't talk? i think my issue is that i am in DENIAL. saying/admitting to it makes it real.


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i am not sick enough. i'm not sick at all. i feel huge. they'll wonder how a person can be eating disordered & fat at the same time. they'll think i'm lying for attention. i am doing this for attention. they'll laugh at me. they'll think i'm gross. i am gross. i'll have to try to stop. i'm not bad enough. i'm not bad enough. i'm not bad enough to warrant help.
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so, if anyone would lend some insight on the process/what it's like to be in therapy, even if it is NOT recovery-oriented, i would appreciate it.
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