Dylan (daddysambiguity) wrote in ed_ucate,
Dylan
daddysambiguity
ed_ucate

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rude remarks about your body?

Anyone have friends that say blatantly rude things to you regarding your body size at any given time? As if it is anybody's business or that it matters.


I'm chubby now. I al so used to be underweight and suffered from clinical anorexia then, later, bulimia. Part of my getting better has been learning to try to eat without regard to what is IN stuff, how many calories, etc. The idea was that beginning to eat without counting calories and whatnot would eventually lead to one relearning how to read their body's natural sense of hunger, etc.

Now my therapist had made this clear to me that, for those very immersed in the anorexia, it can take take a a good bit of time to really learn how to listen to you body, but that no matter what, I keep eating when I think I am hungry without second guessing myself and eat what I think my body craves without counting its calories.

So I am chubby now, so what? I'm in the process of trying to learn about my body and its sensations. I'm feeling my way around and I'm using this approach because I feel learning to retrain my body is the only way to make sure I don't relapse.

SO, this prick comes over (btw, he is homeless and on heroin and my BF is letting him stay here a couple nights because he got evicted from his last apartment for spenging all the rent on drugs) and starts telling me how I'm really no fatter than he was before he lost weight and so forth... And I was thinking, I am sure I'd lose weight if I lived on the streets and did heroin as well. Last time he came over, he said even ruder things. I cannot even be around him without wishing I could die. Then I told him I would be more concerned about his heroin addiction than my body size and he got offended saying those who judge drug use have their own issues (I don't actually condone or condemn drugs, by the way, I was just making a point that he's not a saint) and I DO think his heroin use should be more important to him than my being chubby should be to him. And, of course, my BF seemed annoyed that I was starting an argument. Thanks for defending me!!

It upset me a lot. I feel so angry and hate myself so badly. When I was underweight and sick, everyone said I was too skinny. Now I'm too fat. I can't win, I guess. I just want to scream "fuck you" at the entire world -- you know, the one that is SO consumed with body image while scarfing down McDonald's burgers. Get a life!

Then again, he is right, so I shouldn't be annoyed with him, I should be angry at myself. Maybe I'm not trying to get better and trying to learn again how to navigate food and hunger. Maybe I'm just ugly, fat and pathetic. I cannot really be mad at him for being honest, can I? So now I just want to cry or sleep or hurt myself somehow because part of me know's he's right.



So, anyone else ever have people say rude stuff to them? About being too think or too fat or whatever?
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