somesayim_plump (somesayim_plump) wrote in ed_ucate,

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I went to the doctor today for my annual physical.

and my doctor said I was in perfect health. Part of me was completely relieved [my mom was in the room], but there was another part of me that felt absolutely ashamed. I felt that I obviously didn't have a serious disorder because there were no traces of it.

I'm not underweight, because I've been on a horrible binge/purge cycle, so I'm in the normal range, but I figured there'd at least be something wrong with my throat. Or my heart. Or.. something.. somewhere. but no. Apparently I'm in fine health.

I just feel as if I'm not truly eating disordered because of this. I feel like a failure. I feel like I'm not doing it properly. My binges don't really count, my purges don't count. I feel as if what I'm doing is normal.

Has anyone had a similar experience? Almost wanting to be sick.. but still being relieved that you're hiding your disorder? Ehh I don't know what I'm saying anymore.
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