I've had a pretty stressful time lately, with exam preparation and adjusting to a new job and the seasonal departure of friends.. I'm in a vulnerable state. My biggest concern is that I will feel out of control and compensate by restricting.
But I know that this is not possible.
When I watched the documentary, it was so freaking depressing that I found myself wondering, what is the point? Most of us apparently never recover, and those who do are prone to relapse.
I just wanted to let ya'll know THIS IS NOT THE CASE!! Not six months ago I was sinking my head into a toilet bowl, vommiting involuntarily from a laxative overdose and passing out from the effort involved. Now I am happy and healthy, studying full time, competing in triathlons and surrounded by a bunch of awesome mates and a hilarious boyfriend by my side.
It might take several attempts but you can't actually relapse into something that was never overcome in the first place. Eating disorders are a cycle of thinking.. sometimes you might fluctuate between wanting to be thin, and wanting to recover, and just wanting to walk away from it all.. eventually, at the right time and place, recovery IS possible. And it is every bit worth it.
Life might throw a few curve balls every now and again, but for the most part it's going to be okay. I can breathe. Now that I've recovered, I can recognise certain stressors before they become problematic and establish a healthier routine. I give myself permission to take it easy, and that's what sets recovery apart from disorder.
I am in awe of anyone who has the strength to wake up to this everyday. Good luck with thanksgiving, you are all beautiful people and you deserve everything good.