allesfresser (allesfresser) wrote in ed_ucate,
allesfresser
allesfresser
ed_ucate

snippet from 'overcoming bulimia' workbook--graph & my own analysis from may, 2004

i found the following table while searching through an old document in which i used to store planned posts to LJ and other personal diary stuff in spring, 2004 when i was doing a 5-month internship in berlin, germany and didn't have internet in the plattenbau apt. where we international interns/scholars were housed out in the industrial boondocks... 

it was really interesting for me to review how i weighed the pros/cons of my ED and of recovery at that time; esp. since i wound up being consistently active in my ED for another good 2 1/2 years!  despite therapy and stabs / personal intentions aimed at recovery... 
maybe it would be useful to others of you to make a similar graph, maybe not.

22.5.04 - a snippet from overcoming bulimia workbook - i have been filling some of it out and the 'decisional balance worksheet' chart got real messy and smeary so i am going to type it up. 

 

costs

 

benefits

 

 

short term

long term

short term

long term

continuing with eating disorder

- spend/waste money on food!

- miss out on opp.s to socialize and at time being, 'get to know berlin'

- feel tired, headaches more frequent?, less Lust for life, working out, etc.

- trouble with concentration/memory vielleicht

- don't do all daily tasks

- possible damage to body/psych. wellbeing, blah

- have less savings for travel, moving, becoming independent

- distracts my attn. from doing my best be it in school, praktikum, finding job, making big decisions, whatevs

- feel lonelier, depressed, ashamed -- teufelskreis

- don't lose weight or feel fit

- waste precious time obsessing about food and not taking risks, making pos diff in world

- sorta enjoy benefits of industrialized nations, middle class life - food, that is. one of simplest human needs/pleasures

- gives me smthng to do when not around good friends or really busy; gives distraction from now-unstructured life, stressful decisions/worries

- weird sense of accomplishment, identity, satisfaction- however fleeting and cheap and selbstbestrafung-ish

- compared to compulsive overeating, may control weight a bit (!)

- confirmation that i am not totally w/o probs/unhappiness-- sorta excuse for unemployability in terms of not giving my all b/c of this sitte, as opposed to blaming my merit and being totally vulnerable? i am sorta just pulling this part out of my arse...

- comforting, dependable coping mechanism, definable sense of self, can bond w/others who are psych damaged and 'have' EDs

working toward recovery

- it would be tough

- need to find new habits / coping mechs

- would still be lonely, insecure, unsure of purpose/goal in life, etc.

- would still be unhappy with body probably

- might feel even emptier, more lost

- must deal with my life and myself without this crutch, and would have lonely/depressed spells regardless

- would probably feel proud of myself, if up to challenge; might invest more time in short-term 'worthwhile' activities

- perhaps better sleep, other habits?

- self-confidence, esteem boost? maybe could enjoy interaction with casual friends/acq.s more?

- would be dealing with the real world, in all of its misery and glory and dullness and beauty

- would be healthier for my mind/body,

- perhaps have more to give in relationships?

- would have time/energy for whatever i deem important / work?

- might find new sources of id/self worth? or re-distribute influence of such sources, anyway.

SUMMARY/ANALYSIS:

contradictions in my costs/benefits?  
besides the fact that recovery wouldn't necessarily mean not being lonely/unfulfilled and could still involve me not knowing what to do with my life/how, contradiction = cost and benefit of ED in terms of distraction from loneliness and job-school-life-related decision-making!

process of recovery? how do benefits compare to costs? 
my logical side has known from beginning that not having an ED would be better/healthier but i have it anyway and for reasons, good or not. i am not insane. but the probs of loneliness and frustration / disappointment / not figuring out what i want to do / finding interesting job and getting hired remain whether or not i recover, though i suppose recovering could be beneficial for dealing and in any case probably not detrimental compared to not recovering... **i am not yet more than 45-70% committed to immediate recovery, i guess...**

**=i found this bit particularly telling.

{x-posted to my own journal & to life_beyond_eds}

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