I've got to creep out of this.
Scrap that. I've got to get out of this with a big break, if I am to get out of this at all.
But I don't know what I want to get out of.
Get out of this situation? Get out of life? Get out of my head?
If I wanted to get out of this situation, I would have already. Just how much do I want it, when the means are there, I have my own mind and body, and I stand still, or treading water.
I could just stop, and drown.
I could just walk away.
I'd like to drown, I've always felt warmth and comfort of water. It's a seducting idea.
Its not like I can say I tried my best, I let down constantly, all the way through my life, I was born to let down, I was born into a person that lets people down, and has never tried.
I view the world with a dark sheet over it. More like grey. I don't know where the happiness and content went. I see everything rushing past me, leaving me by. But I know its not leaving me by, I'm letting it leave me by.
I'm tired of the fight to try and turn myself around. I'm tired of this whole charade. I'm tired of allowing efforts being put into me, in the hope I will improve and make something. I'm tired of it.
I see the world as everything, and nothing. It's got nothing for me, nothing I can handle, I'm happy for the people who can, they are welcome to it.
I'm tired of my own mind, I'm tired of the places it leads me, I'm beyond recharge, stopping, evaluating and resetting my direction in hope. It only ever leads me to the same empty mess.
I yearned to find perfection, I still do, if anything It was what has been keeping me in the game. I've lost that. I see nothing in any advice not to search for it, that its not obtainable, don't be hard on yourself - i make myself see the same advice as evidence that it's useless, that I'll never get it, and that that last avenue and quest is empty.
Now my attempt at perfection is damaging me, it's gone rotten and I realise its rotten, but I now can't shake it. I will never shake it. I'm locked on target, and the target was wrongly identified. It was not a path to perfection, it was a road to ruin. I need to drift away. I need to let it take a hold of me, because I'm empty without it.
Its become integrated into myself. Its no longer something I'm even aware of. I will walk to the bathroom and purge my stomach without a thought running through my head....or with my head a million miles away. I never thought I was that weak. I never thought I'd lose control.....it had control of me all along, but didn't tell me in the early stages in case I'd overcome it. Now it has its grip firm.
I feel totally disengaged....I have only one friend, and it's in my head, killing me.
Its a friend I'm more protective over than any real one. At a friends barbeque amongst 10 of my friends, I ate, and drank, and was sick. I wanted to eat and be a part of my friends, because thats who I was, and thats who they are. I battled, until I had to be sick, the closest friend's voice in my head, filled me full of disgust and fear and paranoia about what I had eaten, until I had to purge.
So I purged. I left my friends and purged. I or It, told me that no-one would notice....I could feel the cold breeze as I walked into the room and everyone knew....everyone knew except me.....I was now telling myself I had purged because I'd drank myself sick, justifying it....they would accept it.
I began telling myself it was their problem that they couldn't take that I was just sick down to alcohol, it was a perfectly normal excuse....
I'd lost the fact that I'd done it because I'm sick,....that my head is filling me with fear of food, and a quest for perfection. Sounds crazy. And it is.
I've been chasing the moment in the mirror. I've been losing my life.
I've had enough of this. I feel like I've lost control to something else....squatters in my body, and I'm ready to let them take over....they are trying to push me out already.