Height: 5'8" I think
Weight: as of a few weeks ago, 167
BMI: at 5'8" 25.4
ED: ed-nos maybe...that's why I'm here
My biggest pet peeve about ED communities: girls who want to "become ana" and think it's just a cool diet rather than a disease
How I found my way here: a post in 0nlythreeweeks
Questions/comments/concerns: I have a lot to talk about, so bear with me.
I'm not sure if I have an ED or not...I stopped swimming competitively last year, and only swam for HS (not very rigorous) for my senior year. When I swam competitively, I was working out upwards of 3 hours a day, and basically eating whatever I wanted. I wasn't over weight, but I've always been the tallest (and most developed, if you know what I mean) and I always felt uncomfortable and like I was bigger than other girls, even from the time I was in grade school. Well, my coach wanted me to lose weight, he thought my butt & thighs were "too big" and it would help my swimming to cut down. So I did the elliptical, and I ran for as long as I took take it summer before junior year, summer before I quit. Little did I know that was the best my body would look. I was so burnt out on swimming that I just didn't want to do anything after school but homework and sit around and be with my friends. So I gained weight. I worked over summer before senior year instead of swimming 4+ hours a day, so naturally my clothes didn't fit right, and I got chunkier. Now, no one would call me FAT. except me. My parents knew that I had put on some weight, but nothing for them to be overly concerned with. my mom stands by the fact if I just "cut out ice cream and excercise" it will take care of itself.
This Christmas Break was my lowest (highest, really) point. I was up at 174 and miserable. I went shopping after Christmas and had to buy the largest size pant I had ever bought in my life. It was then I decided I needed to change something. I started eating really well as soon as school started again, and I lost 4 lbs in 3 weeks. I was really proud, and I really was eating well, no ice cream, candy bars, fast food, anything like that. Then I decided I wanted to drop more quickly, so I wouldn't eat cheese and I don't eat after 7:30pm (per Oprah's advice) I'm now @ 167 and really want to get to 155, then 150.
my thoughts with an eating disorder for myself are this: I fear fat foods. Even good fat. I'm afraid of what a pice of cheese or nuts or peanut butter or guacamole will do to me (in terms of weight) Of course I don't eat junk food or cookies or candy bars, b/c I'm TERRIFIED of that. I will eat a somewhat substantial breakfast everyday, b/c I HATE HATE HATE the feeling of not eating breakfast, I get dizzy and nauseated. But now I am micromanaging everything else I eat during the day. I drink green tea in the morning, only drink coffee, water and Diet Rite during the day, have an apple & Diet Rite for lunch, then go to the gym, then eat dinner with my family. I don't really know what I have, if it is an eating disoirder or not. I feel like I need to be in control of what I'm eating, and how fattening it is, and what it will do inside my body. I am restrictive on calories, and fat. WHen I see people eating what I see as "bad" food, I feel better about myself b/c I feel like I am in more control than they are. I probably have an control issue, in terms of I'm stressed right now with friends/future and I feel like at least I can control what I eat. Deep down I think I want to be able to eat like a normal person, and not obsess, but then I think to myself that eating normally will not help me lose weight and will keep me just as fat as I am. I can post a picture of myself if wanted. personally, I don't think I look OBESE or anything, maybe a little chunkier than normal. so if a picture would be of help to anyone, let me know.
sorry for writing so much, but I really don't want to go to my mom or any of my friends about this, b/c they will blow it out of proportion.
I'm not sure what this community will do for me, I probably won't post that much, but just read a lot, b/c this is the first reallt rational ED community I've seen. Thank you mods for making this, because I really feel like I need to be educated.