Necrid_Ei (necrid_ei) wrote in ed_ucate,
Necrid_Ei
necrid_ei
ed_ucate

Epiphany!!!11!111!

I don't come here often.
Occasionally I do, so I can educate myself wholly and further prevent myself becoming a poster girl example of what an 'ANA' is.
I don't know why I'm making this post, but I just kinda had a mini epiphany.

Like many of you, I am a self harmer. Hell if any of you reading this have an ED then you are self harmers too, but hey, way to state the obvious right?
I used to self harm a lot, like typical stuff. Cutting, pulling my hair out, bruising myself and doing stupid stuff like choking myself till I passed out. The pain I caused myself on the outside, I did it all to kill the thing on the inside (the passing out stuff was just a short lived attempt at an escape from my awareness). I just noticed, ever since I started going all hardcore starvation on myself, I haven't cut, or knocked myself out or anything (excluding the odd suicide attempt). Talking with my counsellor made me begin to think that I was starving myself to fit in with the other girls, then later I thought it was just because I detested the way I looked so much (which is a huge factor in this too).
I recently realized it was neither of these, but my desire to dissapear from the world due to this massive inferiority complex I have going on here. That instead of hurting myself on the outside to numb the pain on the inside, I am effectively hurting myself on the inside to destroy the thing on the outside...which is...myself?

haha, I know right? Welcome to the club! Unless there are others that do this for different reasons? Excluding those that want to drop a dress size "4 ThERe HI skO0L Prom!1!!??!!1" If so, I want to know, ED_ucate me :3
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