Wow, that was a long warning. I just wanted you to know what you were getting into reading this. I hope the mods leave this up. I really need the support. Remembering this all started yesterday when my dietician told me I had gained weight. I'm kind of in an interesting situation regarding that. My weight is kind of healthy. My treatment team my dietician and therapist would just prefer that I reach a healthier weight, but my weight isn't unhealthy it's just not my ideal. I was upset about this (gaining weight) and stayed up all night feeling anxious. I called my therapist and she suggested I think about why I wanted recovery, I started to do this, but I kept thinking about how scared I was to gain weight beyond my weight now which is just minimally healthy. Then I started making a list of things that I have done in my life that were scarier then gaining weight is, and that is when I remembered the surgery. I was seven years old and I had surgery for my cerebral palsy. I have a very mild form and it was mostly corrected by the surgery. It's a very invasive surgery. Doctor's cut open your entire back and cut the nerves that lead to your brain that were telling my body not to walk properly. At the time, the Dr explained it to me by saying, we are going to cut the nerves that send the messages to your brain that cause you to walk the wrong way. This is where it gets hard to talk about. The doctors would always have me put on a hospital gown and touch my body everywhere. I remember this one time a bunch of doctors were watching and they recorded me walking just wearing underwear. They used to touch my legs a lot. I remember feeling so scared and embarrassed that men were looking at and touching my body while I was practically naked. They kept saying it was medically necessary every time my parents or I would ask questions about why they were doing this. The next day was the actual surgery day. I was so terrified it took me 45 minutes to fall asleep. My mom said that I kept fighting with them not wanting the doctor to put on the anastisia mask. My mom also said it was one of the most horrible things she's ever watched. I didn't want the surgery at the time. I just wanted to go home. I woke up in so much pain I can't even describe it. I was hooked up to IVs, a heart monitor, and various tubes. I had a catheter. I found out that they wouldn't let me go to the bathroom for week. I had to use those horrible bed pans. I'm sorry but nobody should ever watch someone go to the bathroom. That's probably one of the most horrible degrating things ever. I couldn't wear any clothes or underwear that week either because of all the tubing. I guess that explains why I refuse to wear hospital gowns and I'm obsessed with wearing underwear all the time. I'm not comfortable with how many people were allowed to see and touch my body without asking me. They NEVER asked me if it was okay. That surgery was done the summer before I went into second grade. After the surgery I started to really care about my weight. I started hating my body. I barely grew between the ages of 7 and 12. Since I can't mention numbers I'll just say that I maintained an extremely low body weight during those years. My eating disorder started when I was 15 but I may have met the diagnostic criteria for anorexia since I was eight or nine considering that's when I started being obsesesd with body weight. I wish that kids had voices. I wish they could say no to touch. I know they are incapable of making medical decisions like the one my parents made for me. If I were a parent I would do the same thing. I just wish there was a way to avoid the trauma related issues I have because of the surgery I had. That was horrible to write, and I'm very embarrassed to share this. I have a lot of shame associated with this. I feel so sorry for the little girl that went through and the fact that she had no voice and no choices in this matter. Now I'm 24 and I can say no to things I don't want. This was really hard to talk about. Please leave me comments.