Reckless Kelly (shiningstar55) wrote in ed_ucate,
Reckless Kelly

I know that a large part of the eating disorder mindset can be not admitting that you have a problem.  However, it's really hard for me, even after 6 years of therapy and 3 years of being a psych major, to distinguish whether I TRULY do have a "problem," or if I don't.
I had anorexia about 6 years ago and got treatment for it.  I got back up to a healthy weight, although on the very low end of "healthy" for my height.  Suddenly, this year, things happened, and I've lost a lot of weight... somewhat intentionally, I guess, but you know how it goes... is it really ever intentional?  It's not like I woke up and thought, "Wow, if I could just lose X pounds, I'd be happy again!"  No, it just kind of started naturally, then coined with depression and anxiety and significant life events... viola!  The thing is, it's not like last time.  There is no "subjective distress" component.  I'm not really feeling that scared about it.  Last time, EVERYONE mentioned it.  This time, people aren't really commenting.  This makes me think that maybe it's not really that bad at all and there's no way I have a problem.  I'm about back down to my previous low weight, but I don't have nearly the concern, from myself and from others, as I did 6 years ago.  It's technically nowhere near the healthy range, but I don't feel like crap like one might expect.  Maybe it will happen, maybe it won't?
I'm completely apathetic about it.  That could be a result of the Lexapro that I'm taking for depression, too, though.  It does make me more emotionally blunted.
Anyway, I guess my question is- even though I have all the signs and symptoms of a relapse, is it possible that I'm taking it too seriously, since no one seems to really notice and I'm not having any significant health problems?  I'm really lost.  I do know, however, that I'm avoiding going to my doctor back home for anything, because she'd say something for sure.  And, even at 20 years old, I don't like "getting into trouble." :)
Thanks to anyone who is willing to offer me insight!


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