Reckless Kelly (shiningstar55) wrote in ed_ucate,
Reckless Kelly

I'm in a very odd place.  I've relapsed recently, after like 5 years of doing relatively well.  My therapist and nutritionist have told me that I'm right on the verge of being recommended for IP.  If things don't "look up" by my next appointment, I'd have to consider that. 

I've always been terrified of IP.  I'm a junior in college, looking at grad schools, supposed to stay on campus to do summer research, president of a couple organizations on campus, involved in volunteer work, and finally have a decent social life.  My family is wonderful.  My friends care.  I know, logically, that I don't want to put my life on hold by having to go to IP right now.  I don't want to have to withdraw from classes this late in the semester and have to stay at my college for an extra semester later on.  I know that I don't want to cause my parents that pain and financial strain, and it would absolutely kill my sister.  I hate being on someone else's schedule, and I'd hate being "force fed."  Being weighed scares me to death, and I would hate to not have control over my own exercise and food choices. 

However, there's this deep down, sick part of me that just doesn't care about getting better without IP and almost just wants to have to go there once and for all.  To be "that sick" and to finally be taken care of, instead of always having to take care of everyone else.  I feel so horribly selfish for thinking this, but that's how I feel.  To have people come in and visit me and finally care enough.  To get this experience so I know what IP is really, really like.  In a way, it's glamorized, you know?  

Anyone ever felt like this?  Anyone been to IP and willing to offer me some advice or just to let me know what it's really like?  Any good motivation to stay out of IP and try harder to beat this without it?  

I guess, deep down, I know I don't want to end up there, not now, but I'm having a lot of trouble justifying working harder on my own.   

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