Recovering sucks. I feel so mixed up about what I can eat, should eat, and how much.
I don't know how to deal with the fact every food or drink has a caloric number attached to it that I've memorized. When I don't keep track of the calories I'm depressed and anti-social because I feel awful about myself. I think I've been binging for days now but I'm not even sure what qualifies because my eating habits have gotten so weird.
Food scares me, it feels like it has to be one or the other. Either I restrict or I can't stop eating and insatiable hunger takes over. Full throttle or nothing.
Basically a week ago I got to 112 lbs and lost it. My bones popping up clearly and the creepy way the skin on my face looked drawn - I looked in the mirror and felt disgusted, not pretty.
But I'm so fucking addicted that all this eating, these 3-4 lbs I've gained has me itching to starve again. I don't want to go off the deep end, I got so scared I was going there that's why I've been binging but it's throwing me right back into self-loathing.
I don't have the funds for therapy or I'd gladly do so. My boyfriend who was at first a trigger is now helping me feel okay again but I'm worried it's too much for him.
Anyone else who's trying to eat again or maintain their weight, what helps you? How do you keep from obsessing about food? Is it okay to still buy low calorie/diet/fat free foods as my staples or is that bad? How do I know when my weight is okay?
Slightly different note but I noticed the post on Ephedra and it made me wonder about this inhaler I've been using.. that admittedly I don't need to use, it's called Primatene Mist and it's a straight inhalation of epinephrine for those having bronchial problems.
Basically it gives me a caffeine high and has helped out in weight-loss but I'm wary of it. I've been using it once every other day about.
Does anyone know if it's a possibility I'm setting myself up for heart problems like with Ephedra usage? More of a just wondering question.