I might relapse, of course, but if I do then I will eventually try again.
Yes, of course I'm scared. Because who am I without this disease, right? Where does it end and where do I begin?
The thought of me without it is terrifying. It makes me feel ashamed. Ashamed of the thought of NOT being ashamed of who I am.
I am much too smart for this disease.
I am much too smart to believe in this myth of happiness that can be achieved through starvation, telling myself I'm just too bad because the fact that I end up failing, bingeing & purging and gaining weight is not due to my body hating me for hating it & mistreating it but due to lack of discipline. Oh, there is plenty of discipline and will in not giving up after over five years of it not working. There is much strength in fighting for it all the time.
But couldn't I be using the strength I have to gather to lose 5 pounds (which doesn't make me feel better the least, because my body has been accustomed to the abuse and it takes me a hell lot of effort to lose it and then I'm still fat, and shouldn't I just have lost 40 in the same time frame instead?!?) on things that actually matter to my life? Yes, at times my eating disorder did save me, and in some way I am grateful for it, despite it often making me feel like shit, the thought that I was not thin enough to die yet, that this would be failure often helped against my suicidal tendencies (but let's not consider here how much this binge/purge circle helped me feel suicidal in the first place), but in the end we all know it's not the best coping mechanism there is.
Can't I use this strength I've used for purging food I didn't mean to eat in the first place instead for trying to achieve things that actually make me happy? To try and do what I want to do?
The main thing I've always wanted to do was to be who I really am without having to ask permission for it. To be confident and happy in myself. It's so incredibly silly to have believed that the way to get there would be through changing my body, in whatever way.
Here I am, wanting to tell people that they need to stop abusing their bodies & their surroundings by mindlessly eating things that harm them and the nature, by using all kinds of substances without considering the effects in the long run (if you've known me for a bit now you do know I am NOT against drugs in the conventional sense, I'm just all for questioning your own behaviour and the effect it has on yourself, your life, on those you love and on your surrounding).
Here I am trying to tell people to be more tolerant, less hateful & more accepting of differences yet I cannot accept my body in any way. Cannot accept that people might actually have a different definition of beauty (because obviously it is a "fact" that me = disgusting).
And how would people believe me that being vegan & eating healthily is actually a good & attainable thing when they see me being so messed up about food & myself at the same time.
Am I happy the weight I am ? No, I am not. But I believe if I once manage to eat healthily - which I have never managed in my life for a long period of time, so that IS a challenge after 15 years of compulsive over-eating & 6 years of bulimia - and once I manage to incorporate exercise in a way that is not in this very damaging all-or-nothing mindset - my body will go to the weight it wants me to be. And for once maybe I should trust it and not my ill mindset, my mother's ill mindset, my brother's ill mindset, my whole family's ill mindset & a part of society's mindset I don't care for anyway. When I know they are wrong & I can laugh about it when it comes to other things, shouldn't I be able to do the same here?
This disease, this mindset of not being "good enough" made me delay my boyfriend for years(!) even though he meant so incredibly much to me. For one part because I was convinced that he would not like me the way I am, because obviously no one could, certainly not find me attractive in any way. For the other part because I thought I didn't deserve it as long as I was this fat. I couldn't allow this to work (“which it wouldn't anyway...”) because it did not fit my world view, it would shake it too much.
I'm not going to lie. It's not like everything has turned around completely. I have such a long way to go, but for once I feel rather hopeful. Not in the "I'm just going to be able to stop bingeing/purging so I'll finally get my BMI of 19 and feel ok" but in the "I might throw away my scales & stop focussing on what others think of me all the time" way.
I'm going to look around myself but if anyone knows books that they found helpful in regards to gaining self esteem & beating bulimia (or eating disorders in general), please tell me about it. Not those with a Christian/religious approach, though, please, they just depress me and I find it difficult to take them serious, even when other parts might be good for me.
I know it's so hard to accept my imperfections but once I will be able to see them at this, imperfections, I have come a long way.
It doesn't mean that there's nothing loveable about me left.
It will take a long time to get anywhere near to being „ok“ with my body, being able to trust it and maybe to some degreeing having it trust me more. I mean, just after writing this I got up and had to binge on pasta. I am not expecting to be 100 % binge-free by tomorrow morning.
What I'm really working on right now is my mindset.
That yes, I am worth getting better.
No, getting to my „perfect weight“ is not worth not getting along with my family, friends & boyfriend. It's not worth losing the ability to be creative & artistic, to live in music, writing & art (on the contrary, I need those things to reclaim a healthier way to deal with my emotions) and to be around people I love without constantly thinking they're judging my weight.
And even if they are, and that is the hardest part, isn't there something wrong with them instead?
I want to be who I am, and if people dislike me for this, then they're not the right people to be in my life.
I want to be obsessed with music, writing, with reading, with learning, I want to be able to love cooking & baking without wondering who I can make eat it because it's too fattening & I'd be worried to just binge on it & binge on it anyway.
I want to paint and not worry that someone might see „me“ in it. Not to hate everything I create because it is just so „blah“, just like me.
There is this Liam Gallagher quote: "You've got to love yourself, mate, or no-one else will love you."
While he certainly is no genius, there is truth in this simplicity.
People may see the loveable things behind the facade you build up, but you're sure giving them a harder time when you're so hateful & not accepting towards yourself.
I need to find a way not to be ashamed of my feelings. They make me who I am. Surpressing them by killing them with no food, massive amounts of food, throwing up, obsessing over food so I don't have mental capacity to think about real things, about things that matter, that make me genuinely upset, that is no way. I've got to face my feelings and then see what I can come up with.
I want to be able to stand behind who I am, and how can I do this when I'm living something I hate.
This whole disease is much too complex to get into one post (obviously), I just wanted to write down the main core of my feeling at the moment. I'm not acting like the chemical & mental addiction to purging & feeling empty itself isn't a problem, too. It is. But I can never get over these if I don't fully accept the truth that I logically always have known anyway: being skinny =/= happiness.