Jen (theotherme_jen) wrote in ed_ucate,

Riding the wave

This might be too personal for an entry, so if it is, just let me know, I'll get rid of it.

My family and I went out for Easter dinner today and it was amazing. We had a fondue dinner, with a cheese fondue appetizer, salad, a broth-based fondue entree (chicken for me) and chocolate fondue dessert. It was amazingly delicious. While I ate it, I didn't think I was eating a lot. I didn't leave full. Satisfied and not hungry, but not full.

Thinking back on it, I ate a lot. Probably almost double what I've been normally eating for the past month. But I don't care.

I'm just so sick of it. Do you ever go through cycles? I look at my life 10 years ahead and I don't want this apart of it. I want to be able to eat normal, be normal and not have to worry about gaining a lot of weight while I'm getting there, cause I'm at a relatively normal weight now. Right on the border of underweight-normal and I just want to stop and I can't because the fear of merely 5 pounds scares the crap out of me.

I remember my thoughts of, when I got really low, then I'd recover. I'd have reached my low goal and then I could eat whatever I want and be better. What I really got, from my self-recovery endeavor, was almost 15 pounds and bulimic tendancies.

I just have gotten so tired of it. The restricting, the self-loathing, the lack of normality and laid back attitude that most college girls have. I was at Denny's the other night with a friend, who was listening to me talk about how hard it is, and I was looking over his shoulder at this girl. She was surrounded by a group of friends and while she wasn't skinny, she wasn't chunky. She was eating french toast, and laughing and talking with her friends, being genuinely happy, and I stared at my plate of plain lettuce, and I thought I would give anything to be like her. I felt like crying.

But I know, in another week or two or three, I'll be back to feeling comfortable in my little secluded world of self hate and destruction. So what do you do? Do any of you even hit this cycle? Or am I just...alone in it?

I'm applying for this Disney internship thing and one of the thoughts was that if I get it, and get to go down there and work for a few months, staying on park grounds and all of that-doing something I would truly love-that maybe I would be happy and maybe it would help me with this. I'm just so tired...and I just want to be done with it all. But I can't. I can't and that thought makes me want to cry.

I didn't mean to get so personal. if it's along the lines of too personal, just let me know and I'll post it in my journal. I just wanted to post and see if anyone else felt this way from time to time.

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