suburban relapse (_radioactivity) wrote in ed_ucate,
suburban relapse

does stopping SI exacerbate your ED?

So my boyfriend of 2.5 years cant stand it when I self harm so I have promised I would stop. Ive been doing pretty good but ever since I stopped I have noticed that my anorexia has reemerged it's ugly head and I'm already getting stuck in that downward spiral. Has anyone in here ever stopped self harming only to find your eating disorder to get worse? I just want to feel that pain in my stomach and you cant see any marks so my boyfriend has no clue what Im doing to myself and to be honest... i have no fucking clue what Im doing either. Ive had an eating disorder since I was 15 and im now 24 years old. i was going really good but then he wants me to stop hurting myself and this fucking disorder rears its ugly head. Why cant I just stop harming myself completely? I promise to stop hurting myself because it kills my boyfriend inside so instead i decide Im going to kill my own insides. And I feel so guilty about this I just want to self harm even more. But I cant. So I starve. He knows Ive had a history of anorexia. I was 93lbs when we first met and he helped me to recover but now we are living on our own and cant afford much food so Ive been using that as an excuse but its getting really obvious what Im doing and when he finds out what ive been doing hes going to feel even worse. I dont want him to know. But I just want to hurt myself so I can stop feeling so hurt inside. I sound like a fucking teenager going on about ridiculous angst that doesnt need to be here but im 24 and here it still is. I also suffer from bipolar/borderline personality disorder/adhd/panic disorder and I just can stand the way I feel about myself anymore. I dont even know what the hell im trying to get out of this post but i donno... has anyone ever tried to stop self harming just to find that it makes your eating disorder worse? i feel like its an invisible form of self harm. he cant see the scars so its ok to me, in my head, but its not ok. i want to stop and i know if i really put myself to it and went back to therapy maybe i could but ive been fucked over so much by the mental health system i dont even want to try therapy because finding a person who even treats someone with borderline is a miracle in itself. i cant stand this :(

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