First of all, I hope I've understood everything alright and this post is allowed to be here. If not, please let me know and I'll remove it, or please message me privately - I could really use some help.
The thing is, I've never been sure as to whether my issue is an eating disorder, or disordered eating. For the longest time, I thought that it might just be EDNOS, but looking through some of the memories of this journal, I'm beginning to second guess that. This isn't something I'm at all comfortable discussing with my family doctor - or anyone around me actually - so I'm hoping someone here will be able give me a hand.
What I thought might be EDNOS, I'm now starting to think could be BED. I don't think it could be 'extreme' enough to be bulimia nervosa, but...for all I know, that's denial and pride talking. I'll try to summarize things as best I can without taking up too much time of the person kind enough to take the time to read all this...
I've struggled with self worth for as long as I can remember, though I think body image only came into the picture when I was about 13 (I'm in my mid 20s now). As for my eating behaviors - I think they changed at the start of 15, but I never recognized it as anything irregular until 19. I realized that I would not eat at all for hours after certain meals, or eat far less than adequately for days at a time, believing that it would compensate for something I had eaten in the first place - would help lose whatever weight it might have caused me to gain. It got to the point where all I would have was a can of coke zero for days at a time, just so that I wouldn't pass out entirely.
Thinking back on it, I think that that time might have been closer to EDNOS? Because I binged less, but I over compensated repeatedly...if that makes sense.
Things plummeted by the time I was 21. My weight had reached, what was then, an all time high (155lbs at 5'10"), my self worth was brutal, and my mental state was...I can't even being to describe it. I started searching the internet desperately for dramatic diets, I began obsessing like never before over models and celebrities, I weighed myself daily - sometimes more than once - I would starve myself, but then, give in to a binge where I would question myself before starting, start anyways, and then even while eating - while crying over the food that I was eating and what it would do to me - I would find myself unable to stop. I would polish it off and then scramble for a way to undo what I had done.
It stayed mostly like that for several years and my weight never dropped - it actually increased and my state of being did nothing but worsen. Then, about six months ago, I made a dramatic change. Not the best of one, but, it resulted in me going from my highest ever weight (175 lbs.) to my lowest since late high school (138lbs.) by about May of this year. I was so amazed at the change in me that miraculously, I became a little more comfortable in my eating. Even while I did though, I kept telling myself that I would regret it - that I was inviting things to get worse again by trying to eat a little more 'normally,' but the scale was fooling me. I stopped checking it daily and though the times that I checked it, my weight had plateaued, I was 'comforted' by the fact that at least, it wasn't increasing more than one or two pounds now and again that I assumed was water weight as it always dropped back.
Now, within the last two weeks, the scale tipped just over 140lbs....I freaked. That same...desperation I knew has come back and I can't believe I was stupid enough to believe that I might have at last been beating this thing...
Ugh,...I've gotten much lengthier with this thing than I meant to...I'm sorry. I'll try and end it here. I'm still unsure as to what I am though, especially after now having had that stretch of three months where, for the first time since I had acknowledged my disordered eating, I believed that I was truly 'okay.' I know that diagnosis are only made after weeks or even months of a particular behavior pattern, but...based on what's happened in the past, and the fact that my lapse came back to bite me, I can tell this is going to go on for much longer once again. I don't know if I'm hoping to find some sort of answer as to how to get 'better' but having a firmer idea of what I am, or what but....any help would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you very much, whomever you may be, if you actually got through reading all that ^////^;;