I'm drowning in my own blood.
Letting these words trickle out of my lips is difficult-- speaking things out loud shifts personal thoughts to public information. Discussing this with people is hard because I cannot seem to concisely articulate the problems and manifestations of such--- also, my head seems to spin a million miles an hour with tangents of tangents of different situations. My mouth can't keep up with my head.
I am relapsing. I threw up yesterday during a family get-together. A very pleasant get-together I might add-- lovely to see everyone! One hamburger on white bun down, fruit salad concoction swallowed, oops- another hot dog on white bun down. Then, this food seeded and sprout into that ominous devil I thought I tamed so well. The anxiety spread through my nerves like branches in a tree. I stood up, walked up stairs, and pleaded with myself. Each step- Stop! What are you doing? Another step- You haven't eaten all day, who cares? Last step- It's because you ate too fast you feel this way!
Cue the sound of the toilet flushing. And the worst part is this: I didn't get it all.
I felt this twitch of unfinished business. Uneven. Some still left. Didn't clean it all out. Not complete. I always finish things I start.
I wish I was as fat as I thought I once was. Now the scale really laughs at me. I cleaned out my closet earlier this month. In the corner, behind musky pillows, was another enemy. It was like running into a bear in the mountains. I froze. My heart dropped to the floor. I swear my mouth was agape. That stupid fucking scale. Where did this come from? I thought I threw this fucking thing out? But alas, there it is. Yellowish brownish whitish and dirty. Chipped in the right hand corner. The bane of my existence for years and years. I stand on it. It laughs.
These difficult thoughts were once behind me- how did they creep up again? Were they hiding between the crevices of my body this whole time? Well, here they are again, nasty little thoughts. They're like little children, laughing and grabbing at my body. Jabs, pokes, prods.
I find myself to be a rational and logical person. I love to analyze my personal motives, thoughts, beliefs, morals, and traditions. I try to look at all perspectives. I try to look at cause and effect. I try to rehash situations in different light. I try to ignore and move on with a smile.
I grab at my hips and frown. I cannot move on. This needs to go. I look at the mirror and a sudden rise of anxiety hits me like a wave. I'm drowning.
But! I am better than I was years ago. Smarter, too! I'm a student of NUTRITION. [Because I was soo much better, I wanted to help others] I know the correct ratios of fat to protein to carbs to water---- all dependent upon age, sex, gender, medical history, family history. I know how the body metabolizes and utilizes macronutrients and micronutrients down to the fuckin' T. I know how to lift properly, run properly, and cycle properly. I know how to sleep soundly and I know how to do this all in great accordance to uphold a vague concept called HEALTH.
And my head is playing the same little tune I did for years-- "You really are fat, though, so if you just lose some weight you'll be happy."
And I still believe this! Isn't that the icing on the cake. The cycle is taking full-swing. Depression cycle. I can't stop crying everywhere I go: my room, my pillow, the shower, my car, red lights, the hallway. Stare at the wall- cry. Beautiful sunset- cry. Read the newspaper- cry. Watch TV- cry. Read books- cry. Think about life- cry. Think about past- cry. Think about future- cry.
Rationally, I understand completely that it's a waste of breath and energy to cry over things you cannot control. I can't pry my control-obsessed ego off the floor. I want to smash my ego into a million little pieces and set fire to its remains. Then burn it again and again and again. Never to be seen again.
I need help. How do you stand on your own two feet sometimes?
What are you outlets? Who supports you? I can't support myself- I'm falling down everywhere.
Doctors are expensive. Talking things out with significant others doesn't work. Not friends. No family.
How can I stay away form the demons I have to face everyday? I can't get away from clothes, food, and rigid every day structures. How do I ignore negative self-talk when I honestly feel like ignoring is a problem within itself?
Why is it so difficult to treat food as food and my body as a simple body?