I have had a low self-esteem ever since I can remember. Even when I was a skinny preteen I remember wanting to go on diets. But it has been progressively worse as I grow older and the self-hatred is being directed outwardly as self-destructive habits. I've always kind of had this sense that I ate a lot more then other people when I was a kid, although it didn't bother me because I was still quite skinny comparing to a lot of other people. Ever since I was a freshman at high school I have been battling issues with trying to maintain my weight without much success. Ever since the beginning of high school I dropped things like dance (as lame as it sounds, so I could cut more). Because I am less active I feel a need to try to maintain my weight through restriction. I didn't know too much about eating disorders when I started so I wasn't really aware of what I was doing. I just only recently realized (going through ed criteria listed in your memories) that I am an overeater and that makes a lot of sense. I know I had some sort of messed up way of eating but I know I didn't fit into anorexia or ED-NOS. But looking over the criteria of a compulsive overeater and bulimic, things begin to make sense.
Compulsive Overeating (COE)/Binge Eating Disorder (BED)
I have experianced the following:
Eating much more rapidly than usual
Eating until feeling uncomfortably full
Eating large amounts of food when not feeling physically hungry
Eating alone because of being embarrassed by how much one is eating
Feeling disgusted with oneself, depressed, or very guilty after overeating
I may be bulimic though, although I never considered myself one before. This is how my week usually goes. I spend two-three days binge eating to compensate I begin exercising and restricting so that I loose around five pounds before gaining it back through another episode of binge eating. I also sometimes purge, but sticking my fingers or other objects down my throat does not make me gag. I just pace around the bathroom with my mind focusing on getting rid of the food inside of me, and then I purge. It is very time consuming and not effective. I’m aware that everyone with an ED probably agrees with me when I say that we wish we could just eat normally. But I wonder those with anorexia or ED-NOS, would you disagree that you gain a sense of control when you don’t eat, or that you want to be thin. Because me, having either overeating or bulimic tendencies feel absolutely no control when I overeat, this is a mental illness that I don’t want. Maybe partly this has to do with the fact that anorexia is socially acceptable with the advertisements of thin models being deemed as beautiful. The thing I hate about my ED is that I think bones are absolutely gorgeous, not super model thin, but bones. As lame as it sounds, perhaps I’m influenced by gothic culture, where the aim is to look dead, but it being unattainable for my weight fluctuates between 110-120. The point of this all, realizing how I’m an overeater makes me well aware when people with an ED say this is a mental illness not a choice.