Not thinking depressedly, there is a never a point in time that I don't contemplate stepping in front of a large moving vehicle or throwing myself down high flights of steps. Basically causing inordinate amounts of physical pain.
I'm not certain why, but I have had an overwhelming desire to do so for many years. I feel like it might be related to the issues I deal with, but who knows? edit: does anyone feel their eds have any bearings on this, as I feel mine may contribute to my problem
(nessa/hb, do what you will with this.)
in my journal i wrote that physically and mentally i'm so balanced, its the balance that i have been missing. trying to make myself believe that i could keep the balance at 1000 was ludacris now that i look back on it. a___minimalist pointed out that now that i am getting all my calories my brain is functioning normally again. that sounds so funny but its not, really my brain was NOT fully able to function when i forced it to get by on the minimum. thats all i had wanted was to get by at the minimum, that was my goal. my main goal :( i tried to force that goal rather than arive there through my actions. i have realized i do this in many other areas of my life, too idealistic, not realistic. my body too wasn't functioning normally either. how could i believe the lies i told myself? yeah, if i eat small meals i'll keep up my metabolism at 800. i'll be able to run 7 miles and box and do calesthetics all with only 1000 calories *rolls eyes*
in hindsight, so much stuff that i made myself believe these past 9 years is so ignorant. having an ed clouded the truth about eds. the only thing i can think to relate it to is the fashion sense of an 17 year old, so cool at the time and no one could tell you otherwise but give yourself a couple years and you can do nothing but laugh at it.
i can't really explain myself too well right now bc i'm overwhelmed. i've been working on recovery for almost 2 years exactly, and its been up and down, sometimes working forward, sometimes backwards, then bam! i found the final reason that i needed to break free, it was the straw that broke the camels back. all the otherwise insignificant nudges pushing me to recovery added up to a whole.
could i relapse? no. i have passed the point of no return. i didn't push myself here before i was ready. i took every fucking step in the right direction, sometimes it led to a binge or a fast but that didn't mean that i failed. can't go from worst to best without going through the good, the bad and the ugly, right?
the key things that i've learned is to respect and support myself and not to force myself to be something i am currently not, it takes strength and focus, not force.
i would love to hear how this sounds to you other recovered people out there.
or i would love to hear how it worked for you.
thanks, lots of questions I know...but I really wanted to know.