April 17th, 2006

wings

You are, I am, We are beautiful.

So, I'm sitting here, with insomnia, and I've come up with a challenge/experiment.

For those of you that aren't familiar with the 'YAB' or You Are Beautiful movement, the idea is to place little scraps of paper/stickers/anything with the words, you are beautiful, on it.  As soon as I found my first YAB sticker, I was immediately drawn in, and for me this has become a serious outlet.  It's something I've dedicated a huge part of myself to, I've even gotten a tattoo with 'beautiful' inscribed, to help me remember [post-recovery, which is always a sketchy deal] that I am, rather redundantly, beautiful.

Any-hoo, on to the challenge:

A) Tape a peice of paper/anything, next to your bed/somewhere you frequent, that says "YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL". Leave it there for a week. Don't look at it, and disagree.  Just believe it. It's not lying to you. 

OR

B) Write/Type/Draw "YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL" somewhere, on a peice of paper, anything. And anonymously place it somewhere.  After you do, how do you feel?

If anyone decides to do this, let me know. Leave a comment here, and tell me of your experiences.

PS:
You are beautiful.
PPS: Yes, YOU.

Promiscuity.

I have ED NOS, with strong bulimic tendancies, and i have suffered with my eating disorder for coming up ten years now.

The discussion I would like to raise is, promiscuity.

My personal life has consisted of 14 sexual partners in the past ten years, both male and female, each relationship has been of the clingy sort, with me having an intense need to feel 'the best, most funniest, most attractive, better than anyone else etc etc' to each person that I have been involved with. None of them were one night stands. I just found someone better to obsess about, and moved on, until i found thier floors.

The relationship I have now is perfect, and for the past 3 years I havent looked at anyone else. I put on 20lbs from feeling comfortable with him, which in turn made me refuse to go out because of my size and hideousness.

Now, however, with ednos/bulimia being rife, I have started to go out more, I am getting attention from all directions, and have started this cycle of 'willing' people to be attracted to me. I am extremely intense with people, and far too over the top.

What I am trying to say is, when I kiss someone else, I block out the happy life I have with the boyfriend, which to me, seems exactly like a binge/purge session. Its like I'm to myself saying 'You're a whore, you deserve nothing less, it is expected of you'. And like b/p-ing, it also has the excitement and secretive-ness, along with the guilt or denial of guilt that follows.

Anyone else have similar experiences or thoughts on this?