June 24th, 2006

(no subject)

I have a question, well more of a "discussion" type thing. Well I love my therapist, as a person, but I don't really think she gets it. She will not talk about food because she says "it's not about food." Like mentioned before, she has lots of theories about why I have an eating disorder, mostly centered around my lack of relationship with my father. I disagree, I was picked on and degraded/humiliated constantly in elementary school. My sisters treated me like the scum of the earth and my parents had expectations that led me to hate myself more than anything. My lack of relationship was more of a blessing than anything~! Anyway, I know E/Ds have lots of underlying psychological "stuff" however, in some ways it IS about food. If you restrict for a long time you are far more likely to binge and binging is a response to hunger rather than emotional distress. The fact that lack of protien really does leave you bloated adds to the psychological distress of eating. So my question is...how much of E.D. recovery must be focused around food, certainly my therapist cant be THAT dumb to think that as soon as the underlying issues are solved my E/D will..dissapear, i disagree. The eating behavior promotes itself.

the perfect body?

I'm wondering if any of you are afraid of aging for what it does to your appearance? Are you afraid of being in an accident that may leave you disfigured?

I'm horrified of growing old, growing wrinkles and sagging breasts, thin hair, all that jazz...while the memory loss and slow deterioration of my brain is a little freaky, it's really the idea of looking old that makes me hate the idea so much. Even the deterioration of my body--osteoperosis, pain, et cetera--I'm not afraid of facing that. Just facing...my older, uglier face in the mirror.

I see a lot of comments about "live fast, die beautiful..."

I never want to get any uglier. I don't want my body to change anymore--
I am most certainly not waif-like or underweight. I have DD breasts and an ass and curves. I'm not interested in regressing to a prepubescant (sp?) state. I'm not happy with my body now, obviously, but...

Due to a birth defect and several years of self-injury, I'm already mutilated. I can handle scars, but anything that messed up my proportions or further messed up my face would probably make me kill myself.

I dunno. I'm not explaining this well. Eating disorders are so darn complicated (heh).

Well, hey, help me out here.