June 30th, 2006

redhead

Consciousness of eating disorders

i was wondering how conscious people are of the development of their eating disorder and how well they understood the path that they were beginning to take. did you get caught up in it and all of a sudden found yourself in a downward spiral, or was it more of a conscious disintegration?

i've heard a lot of diet/self-control/self-loathing stories that just spiral suddenly into a full-blown disorder. but myself, i realized that i was developing a disorder almost from the get-go. i saw the path that i was taking, and i wasn't scared, or even happy; i was just completely indifferent. i saw myself completely falling deeper and deeper into a disorder, and i just plain didn't care. i didn't try to get better, i didn't try to get worse, i just existed, almost completely without feelings, but still completely aware of the situation.

so.. a few questions for you all:
in the early stages of your disorder, did you experience denial?
if you realized that you were developing a disorder, how did you feel when you realized it?
do you think that if you were more conscious of your disorder, you could have "stopped" (for lack of a better word) it?
and lastly, if you were indifferent towards developing a disorder, what do you think caused it?

i hope this makes sense.
this is my first post and i've had a terribly exhausting day.