September 10th, 2006

lilo slurp

our 'addiction' to food

hi, i'm justine; i'm 25 & i've been bulimic for over 3 years but sometimes i still experience these moments when something that is SO obvious seems somehow like an epiphany.

i was just thinking earlier this evening--during a felicity: senior year & b/p marathon, to be frank--how some people simply eat food for a while and then go hours w/o thinking about it. you know, until they're physically hungry again or an opportunity happens to arise, or whatever.
i used to be that way. even if i ate junk, emotionally/socially ate and/or overate sometimes. and i didn't care whether i'd had enough veggies/fruit that day. oh, and i was pretty healthy & thin, but that's neither here nor there. (right now i probably look 'healthy'/normal but i feel fat & feel horrible...)
basically, i didn't stress out about food at all back in the day--whether it be concern over where my next meal would come from or plans to skip a meal.
or mental calculations of kcals/meals/snacks consumed.
or about if i'd possibly gained 2 pounds that week.

this is weird. what the fuck happened?? srsly.
answer: lots of things happened. and i'm now an adult who feels lost sometimes. lonely or unloved sometimes. useless sometimes.
and i have a perfectionistic/OCD/depressive personality & an addictive/depressive family background.
but still.

do you ever have 'what the f happened to me?!?!' moments?
it happens sometimes when my head's in the toilet, but not as often as it used to, or as i might've expected... :-/

x-posted to adults_with_eds