January 29th, 2007

Cliche

Things I have noticed today
1) I hadn't purged since December 8th. As the days rolled by, purge free..the more pressure I felt to do "better" and have this be it "it"...the.last.time. The increasing pressure lead to me just saying fuck it and in a sense getting it over with, as I felt like I was going to do it eventually anyways. Instead of feeling worse, guilty, negative..I feel relief that I don't have to worry about "messing up"....

2) I feel I am at the point where I could be "normal" (whatever THAT is) surrounding food, body etc. I have started to feel confident and capable and successful outside of my eating disorder, which is a big part of recovery (I think). The thing that I have noticed is, as soon as I do something "bad" example- get a poor mark, don't keep the house clean, sleep in, etc. I start to feel that my worth is defined ONLY by my eating disorder...and that if I am getting better, I am clearly failing at the eating disorder which in turn means I am a failure in general.

Any comments? Similar feelings? Discussions??
youfuckingbrokeit

(no subject)

I don't think this has been asked before, but I was gone from this community for quite awhile. Forgive me if this topic has been covered.
I am looking at my eight IP admission in a month or so, and I have been thinking about what doing "better" means and how my definition of this has changed over time. When I was anorexic, eating less was doing better, and purging made me feel like I was doing better as well. Through bulimia, eating less is still doing better, but also, not bingeing and not purging is doing better. Even when I am trying to recover, eating more is doing badly.
For you, what does doing "better" mean? Is is engaging in more ED behaviors, or less of them? Or only certain behaviors? Has this changed over time, over diagnoses, over patterns of behavior?