I'm home for the summer after my first year of college. I've been home for 3 weeks and it's been terrible. Let me explain.
As I mentioned in a previous post, I was forced into "recovery" at an early age - thought it was more of pretending to recover, playing the part of the good little girl. The summer before I left for college, I was at a healthy weight, excited to embark on an adventure of independence and discovery. I got to college and an odd thing happened. I had a sudden urge, an overwhelming desire to be normal. I say this is odd, because previously, I beleieved that there always needed to be something wrong with me in order to function (weird, I know). So, in my pursuit of being normal, I did normal college things. I partied, drank a lot of alcohol, ate chicken patties and fries for lunch, because that seemed like the normal thing to do. And in my pursuit of normal, I gained 17 pounds. And stopped pursuing the act of being normal. After gaining so much weight, my positive body image (there never was much) plummeted and the hate for my body sky rocketed. And the little anorexic voice that is always lurking in the deep crevices of my mind, became loud and clear again. So, after Christmas break, in a short 3 months, I lost 30 pounds by restricting.
I am currently ed-nos. Not underweight. Normal BMI. Missed period for 2 months, back for the 3rd. I restrict, binge, purge, and hate my body with such a cruel bitterness.
In my year of independence and process of self discovery, I contemplated a lot about my disorder. I realized that my eating disorder acts as my temporary identity when I feel lost or that I have none. Which is what I'm feeling now. In this lonely journey of self-discovery, I feel lost or suspended from identity to identity. I should also mention that I am transferring colleges next semester - a big change, a transition from old to new. I have never had stability in my life. So, my eating disorder is not only acting as my identity, it is essentialy keeping me going, keeping me stable. I think it is also taking focus away from the very painful and bitter emotions I am feeling due to the unleashing of many repressed memories - all in search of myself. My eating disorder is caused by many things, and shifts and changes according to the things I am experiencing.
So, to the part where I am having trouble. The parents. I lost a lot of weight in a short period of time, and naturally, they are worried. I am restricting. But I'm not incredibly sick. I have good days and I have bad days. My parents love to control my health, or lack thereof. But the thing is, I'm 19 and they can't anymore. They think I am much sicker than I really am and it is frusterating that they blame everything and anything on my eating disorder, rather than focusing on the underlying causes, the inner rather than outer. My parents love to blame me and my eating disorder for any sort of tension in the house. Granted, there is always tension revolving around me. But I am not the sole cause. In the 3 weeks I have been home, I have fought and fought and fought with my parents. Usually, I would back down, but I have come to realize that I don't need to, that, guess what, I know a little bit more about this disorder than they do, and they don't get it. At all.
They told me tonight that in a weeks time, they want a plan of how I am going to get healthy this summer, what I am going to eat, how I am going to relate to the family, how I am not going to let the "food monster" (my mother insists on calling it this and it really, really annoys me) take over. I said, I'm 19, this is my battle now. Eating disorders are addictions and do not disappear within a weeks time, a snap of the fingers. Basically, if my "plan to get better" doesn't meet their standards and if I don't stop restricting, they are giving me 3 options.
-kick me out of the house
-will not help pay for my tuition for college
-more or less, disown me
Quite honestly, sometimes I wouldn't mind being kicked out of the house. The thing is, I have nowhere to go and no money to find somewhere to go.
I cannot not go to college. And while I could take out loans and be in debt for the rest of my life, they would find some way to stop me from going.
My parents disowning me because I refuse to be a submissive little child anymore is just silly.
I cannot and will not give up this disorder just yet. I'm not ready to. It is my identity, my temporary identity right now and it is what is keeping me going (as ironic as that sounds). I will not before forced to give it up again. I want to be the one to say, I'm ready to stop, now.
I know that my parents have the best intentions and are worried and concerned. But they don't listen and refuse to take my opinion and point of view into account. And so, I am lost. And angry. And broken. And frusterated. I don't know what to do.
I'm sorry for the incredible length and boringness of this entry. I needed to get it out. I would appreciate any words of wisdom or advice...or just...anything that anyone has to offer...again, I apoligize and thank you so much for reading.