adriel (startherup) wrote in ed_ucate,

how beautiful suffering is

I'm not sure if this is appropriate so I'll put it under a cut. please don't be rude and say "JUST EAT!" I really need to know what some of you think or if you have ever experienced anything like this. thanks.

I woke up feeling very sick to my stomach and tingly all over.
I went into the kitchen to make my normal breakfast and as I was getting out the milk, something came over me and I got really cold and sweaty and my heart started to beat faster. I thought "okay, okay, I have to eat something. just eat something and it'll be okay." I took one bite of my cereal and it made me feel even sicker, so I spit it out. about that second, I was overcome with dizziness and grabbed the closest food to me I could (an apple) to get something in my body. I started to eat it, and then, I just collapsed, dropping it and knocking everything on the counter over. I couldn't see. you know those black outs I had been talking about? [where everything is black with my eyes still open and I get dizzy] This one was so intense and lengthy that I thought I was going blind. and my ears were ringing. I felt like I was dying.

My mom heard me fall and she came over, held my hand and started asking "what's wrong, what's wrong are you okay?". I still couldn't see anything-- just the outlines of her shape. I told her "I can't see. I don't feel well. am I hot? feel my forehead." I knew I was saying this but I couldn't hear myself talking. she felt it and said it was cold, my hands were clammy, and that I was breathing strangely. After a few minutes of sitting there, I said "I think it's just my period. I'm having really bad cramps" (a lie). Then I got up with all the strength in my body I had, and finished my apple. It was making me sick to eat it, but I had to. I still felt too weak, so I had some oatmeal. With every bite of that oatmeal my self-loathing and disgust grew.

Now, since I ate so much that fast, I feel full, fat and repulsive. but I'm still shaking, my hands are trembling, I feel nauseous, everything aches and my ears feel like they are going to explode. and now I'm in even more of a bad mood because I dont think I'll feel well enough today to exercise, which I really need to do.
I still have 4 more pounds to lose.
And even after this episode, it's still worth it.
how utterly deranged am I to believe that.

x-posted to my journal

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