adriel (startherup) wrote in ed_ucate,

fed up

I don't want to be tired all the time anymore.
I'm sick of being sick. I have no energy to exercise- much less normally function in day to day life. I can't sleep. I'm always uncomfortable and achey. I hate how much I'm pushing every one away and every little glimmer of joy out of my life. I have to accept the fact that I will probably never be normal with food. I will always struggle with these issues. and I will probably never fully love my body. but I don't want to live like this anymore. it's not worth it. I can see myself dying, and I'm not even considered a person with a serious eating disorder. I can't even begin to imagine how much worse I will be in a year if I don't try and stop this right now.

But I need some support and motivation here. and so I have come here for you help.
How do I stop being afraid of food? I'm going to be honest and say that no, I'm not at my goal weight and no, I still hate the way I look. But I hated the way I've looked forever, so nothing has changed there. In fact, I'd say my self esteem is the worst it has ever been.
If I've been eating under "starvation mode" number of calories for a long time, how do I try to eat semi-normal amounts without gaining weight? Do I need to gradually increase? or what? what is the first step I need to take?

I will always have issues with food, it's just the way I am. but I want to be healthy. I really do. I'm just so scared of gaining weight. or even to stop losing weight.

I'm sorry if this was all too disjointed and made no sense. I have no where else to go. but I want to turn this around before it's too late.

thanks xox

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