elodie35 (elodie35) wrote in ed_ucate,
elodie35
elodie35
ed_ucate

eating disorders, body image, and stripping off

On friday it rained in London. Alot. I was on my way to see a play with a friend, and I had no umbrella and was wearing summer clothes - a skirt and tshirt. By the time I got to the theatre, I was soaking, so I ducked into a pub to clean up in the toilets. They had air-dryers...yes...so I pulled off my soaked tshirt, not really thinking twice, and stood there in a bra, drying it.
Three women came into the toilet while I was half dressed, and each time I smiled at them and apologised for not being decent - "Sorry, I just got soaked and I have to dry off!" Each one smiled back and said it was fine.

At the time, I didn't think too much about this behaviour, but afterwards it struck me that it's maybe not the typical ED response to a situation. I'm bulimic, and I'm of average weight - BMI 24ish. I want to lose weight desperately, and my self-esteem is low. HOWEVER, being seen by strange women in my bra really didn't bother me; I just held my stomach in. it's the same with my friends - I'm fine about changing in front of them, etc. When moving house recently I got really hot and ended up stripping to my bra in front of my friend who was helping me, and stayed like that for ages, including whilst eating lunch together.

So, is it weird that I'm able to do this? Do most of you spend your time huddled up in big sweaters, as the stereotype requires?

Sometimes I think it's almost a defense mechanism - like if women can see my stomach and not run away screaming, it's reassuring to me, and shows I'm not so much of a freak as I think I am. And also a kind of "fuck you!" to society/the eating disorder/myself: "This is me, deal with it!!"
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