ellyn speaks out: (mytwohands) wrote in ed_ucate,
ellyn speaks out:

I have three questions for you lovely ladies...

1) i've always had a very twisted perception of myself, which i relate to the fact that i was sexually abused as a child and early teenager. my low self-esteem and desperate need for control took many forms, including very restrictive diets which eventually spiraled into bulimia. i was bulimic for about three and a half years, but consider myself "recovered" for at least the last year. (it's all very blurry, because there was no time where i said, "i am bulimic" or "now i am not bulimic"--it was just a process. but mostly, instead of throwing up, i just started cutting myself, because i was so depressed, i had no appetite anyway). nowadays, i will go a very long time without purging, but i pick it up for a few weeks at a time out of convenience--i know this doesn't sound like it makes sense, but for the last few weeks, i'll just throw up after meals a few times a week, because it just very convenient to get rid of calories i feel guilty for. i don't feel that im sliding back into my old ways, because it lacks the ritualistic nature and self-hatred i felt before. now, it just feels like an easy diet plan, and im not very consistent about it, because it means nothing to me.

and im wondering what you think of this. it's not like anything ive ever done before, but i don't like the idea that im going back to my old ways. it's just like cutting--sometimes i just cut out of impulse, but i only do it once and don't continue doing it. but i don't consider myself a "cutter" after that, again. do you think my reinstated habits run the risk of manifesting into a disorder again? that's the last thing i want...there's nothing more hellish. i was finally getting to a place where i didn't consider what i ate it before i put it in my mouth, and it was very refreshing. but ive started dieting again and restricting meals to low-carb/low-fat yogurt and vegetables (it really helps that i started taking adderall for my ADD). when i break this new diet, i'll just go make myself throw up...and i don't want there to be anything wrong with that. i need a second opinion.

2) also, i was reading through the memories on 'bulimia' and noticed that some of you consumed incredible amounts of calories in a binge. but im wondering, are there any bulimics here who didn't/don't binge? binging was never a thing i liked--i was actually ashamed to be a bulimic because they were the girl's who 'binged', so i never used that word. i would just say "throwing up". i know that's ridiculous, but to me, food was like a disease. i just liked throwing up because i could eat a normal meal and then get rid of it. it helped me settle the guilt--it was this wonderful sense of control, because, at times, i didn't manage what i ate and there were no consequences. is there anyone here who can relate to this?

3) lastly, im thinking about writing a "communication analysis" for my forensics class (speech and debate). ive noticed that "ana" and "mia" sites are completely villianized by the media (especially lately). i've never really been part of one of these sites before (i preferred to deal with my eating disorder on my own), but im wondering what the psychological, emotional, and relational effects of the sites are on both positive and negative levels. i read articles that say that these sites are "coming to get you" and that the girls will tell you "you're too fat!"--they make it sound as though they're recruiting, which is ridiculous. there are many negative attributes to these sites, but i can't ignore the fact that i could have used someone who understood what i was going through a few years back. i wouldn't have felt so alone and ashamed. so i'd love to here any opinions you might have on this.

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