I don't want to be Kate. I don't want to be Gisele. I don't want to be Svetlana. I don't want to be Mary-Kate Olsen. I don't even think I'd be so obsessed with being thinner if I was THIS:
The man in the white pants. He's more or less a friend of mine--a friendly acquaintance, I suppose. He is a great deal thinner now than he was when this picture was taken, and for a guy, he's damn skinny. Only like 5'10'', too, so we joke and call him "Fun-Sized", like those ridiculous little Halloween candies.
My point is this:
I'm beginning to think one of the major roots to my ED is my excruciatingly painful wish to be male.
The only time I'm excited to be female is when I'm performing, and even then, I'll see a band play with a male singer and I just feel so worthless because I view him as being so much better, just for being a guy. Part of me thinks that if I just get really thin and lose any sort of sexual definition, I'll be more respectable in the music world. People will listen to my voice and not look at my body. I don't mean to sound conceited, but I'm a very good singer--and despite my views on my looks, other people respond rather enthusiastically to them--and it frustrates me because I don't want to be known as "that band with a chick singer". Deeper than that, I don't respect women half as much as I respect men. I am very much a chauvinist. That isn't to say that I don't respect any of you--I do, some of you more than most people I know in real life, in fact--but when it comes down to it, I listen to what men have to say. I don't speak up in their presence, unless I'm very close friends with one of them, and I honestly believe that anything I have to say is made less important because I'm a girl. I don't necessarily mind...I've accepted it as my place in life, but I feel I could succeed at reaching my goals so much better, so much faster if I were just male. I'm a loud, rude, obnoxious little punkass...something that is acceptable if you're a guy, but frowned upon if you're a girl.
Does this make sense to you guys? Could this be part of the cause for my eating disorder, or is this some stupid, non-related issue I'm mistaking for motivation? I honestly think I could be manifesting this desire to be male by trying to make my body look like a little boy's.
And does anyone else have this problem?