we dont control our bodies, we just abuse them (lovelybones_) wrote in ed_ucate,
we dont control our bodies, we just abuse them

so im going to try to rephrase this purely personal inquiry as a discussion question so that im not violating the rules...

this topic has not, to my knowledge, yet come under discussion- but virtual bitch-slaps will be accepted if i err.

i was wondering if there is some sort of trend in purging habits, where one purges and how, more specifically. i'd be interested to hear the specific steps of progression as opposed to, "well, purging was gross, and then i did it six times a day until my heart stopped and i died....". maybe find patterns? reasons for these specific patterns of progression?

explanation beneath the cut that probably registers far beyond the boundaries of simple "tmi"

when i first began purging, i would purge in my shower, as i couldn't stand the feel of vomit on my hands or on my body at all. i felt much cleaner simply being able to wash it down the drain. i would, however, have to swirl it around a bit to get the larger bites down the drain without clogging and never felt squeemish about that. this habit continues for about six to ten months, im not really sure. i wasn't as willing to purge into toilets, as it was much messier. when i came to college, the drains were different and the communal showering situation wasnt really conducive to me heaving my dinner down the pipes. so i started in with toilets. this was about four months ago, and i got pretty used to it. then i started to be afraid that someone would hear me through the walls and have me institutionalized or some paranoid shit like that. so i started purging into garbage bags in my room, hiding them in the closet until nighttime, and then throwing it out when i wouldnt run into anybody. now, when i try to purge into the toilet, i can't. i was wondering if anybody has noticed the similar conditioning patterns in their own eating disorder, or has read any research that would explain it. writing this all out, im sure its just another facet of the massive compulsivity that seems to travel hand in hand with disorders, but i figure i should post anyway, as i am a shamefully inactive member.

thanks for reading.

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