achieveurdreams (achieveurdreams) wrote in ed_ucate,
achieveurdreams
achieveurdreams
ed_ucate

Lying

This may be a tough subject to discuss because it’s something anyone with a conscience will be ashamed to admit to themselves, let alone to others. But I sadly have to admit that ever since my eating disorder started, over the years my lying capabilities have grown. The ease at which I can blatantly lie to people – whether strangers or family/friends, is startling. I’m really embarrassed by this because I know I am a “good” person, I have morals, I’m kind, considerate and very caring and love my friends and family.

This behaviour I’m pretty sure started primarily by lying (as many people with EDs do) to people about how much/what/where/what time I was eating. I would do things like carry around empty food wrappers and pretend I’d just eaten it, lie that I’d already eaten supper etc…etc….But then these little lies turned into bigger ones. I’ve found myself lying about all kinds of things – completely unrelated to food – eg. What I’m doing/where I’m going/why I can’t do something - I make up complete lies to my friends about what fun things I’ve been up to. I can stand in front of someone, tell them a complete lie about something, without feeling flushed or the typical emotions one would normally get when telling someone a lie. Noone’s questioned this behaviour – people honestly, totally believe me – because they see me as an honest person. It’s difficult to explain, but I’m pretty certain this behaviour has developed through my ED into my actual way of living, it’s certainly not something I’ve been taught or encouraged to do, but I believe simply because I “let” myself tell small lies, primarily about food intake, this “acceptance” of allowing myself to tell small lies, has escalated into a common trait. I seem to have this ability to “erase” guilt from lying from my mind.

Does anyone else feel they are more deceitful due to their ED? Does it get you down?
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