My mum made a comment to me recently, about my eating disorder being a slow "self-inflicted" death. At first I tried explaining that it isn't self-inflicted because it really isnt my choice to be doing this. She told me it was my choice to see a doctor and my choice to decide to get up and aim for recovery. I really do not want to deal with my habits anymore. I'm getting to the point where I can't stand just thinking about myself at all. I'm actively trying to recover and with summer approaching I'm searching for a reality check that humbles me or forces me to realize something about myself that I need to get over this. If I dont find it though, I'll probably continue dreaming about being so thin it renders me unfit to participate in everyday life (so, so secretly, this is my biggest wish) In my opinion, it really is up to me.
In that sense, I believe I really am committing a slow suicide. I've lost a few family members to suicide and have a sensitivity/awareness to it, but I never fully thought, I will starve myself to die. (...i just want to be on the BRINK of life and death)
This might be banal, or obvious, but does anyone else think this way, or something similar?
Has anyone made the conscious decision to die by eating disorder?
and, if you're willing to talk about it, how many people have thought about suicide with or without regards to your eating disorder?