I have been underweight/anorexic/restrictive in the past -- for several years. Now I have "recovered" from that, yet have put on weight from drinking a ton too much and eating a tad too much. I feel I never resolved the issues that caused the anorexia initially, then perhapys I eventually replaced starving and whatever gratification that gave me with booze/food/etc. I tend to have some binging issues now, as well, though my binges are not severe in energy content -- I consider a "binge" any time I eat when not hungry, even if only a small amount.
BUT. My problem is that I find it VERY hard to make a move in any direction. I am overweight now. I want to be a "healthy" weight, not over, not under. Yet whenever I start to think about losing pounds and becoming, you know, a medically advisable weight, I freak out and start feeling the "anorexic obsessions" that I used to feel. This makes me want to say, fuck healthy eating, fuck healthy living, fucking healthy weight loss and healthy lifestyle changes and makes me want to fast and restrict and work out 3 hours a day as I used to.
When I try to ignore the anorexic ideology that tends to float back when I consider dropping to a lower weight, I just get stagnant and have trouble cutting back on calories and alcohol. Trying to cut back on stuff always leads me to the same obsessions I had in the past, which frightens me. Therefore, I feel stuck running in place. Keeping track of what I eat makes me obsessive, compulsive, and prone to fasting and exessive workouts. Not keeping track means nothing will change even though I want it to.
In theory, I do buy into the stuff about not "losing weight" but "living healthy" and that is a great little philospophy, eating to be fit, eating to be healthy and not eating to drop pounds, but fact of the matter is, one needs to know how much food energy one is taking in and how much food energy they are putting out to be able to get a grasp on their weight. THEREFORE, I cannot win. When I count calories, I get obsessive, anorexic, scared. When I don't count calories and am not aware of what I put into my body, there is really no point. If you don't know what you are eating, you could be eating 3000 calories a day and you will not get back to a healthy weight range with which you are happy.
What the fuck do I do? I know all the rules to eating right, 5 or 6 times a day, not denying foods you crave but eating them in moderation, consuming whole wheats, whole grains, fruits, veggies, etc. I know a ton about nutrition, so that is not the problem. The issue at hand is learning how to lose weight (which is honestly what I want to do despite the crap about thinking of something as "healthy living" instead of "weight loss") without going back to hold restrictive habits because, when those old habits take hold, I find they are VERY hard to get out from under.
ADVICE? I may take this entry to my therapist tomorrow.