Dylan (daddysambiguity) wrote in ed_ucate,

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COE/anorexia cycle -- recovery stuff

I bought some books suggested by my therapist.

One is called Why Weight by Geneen Roth.

I do enjoy the book, I suppose, and, in theory, I do support the idea of not "dieting" and learning to trust your body.

I used to be anorexic. So I am not sure if I would have fewer of these negative responses if I'd always been an COE or had never been underweight and whatnot.

That said, when I am reading this book, I feel very angry. I am not sure why or at what or at who. I feel very defensive and hostile and I feel like crying.

I have the inclination that it could be due to some inability to accept the fact that this book (and those approaches like it) seems to be speaking to "fat people" who, in my warped head (I know this is not accurate!! I don't intend to be rude and know it is my issue, not fact!), simply lack will-power and awareness of their emotions and bodily sensations. I probably still have this faulty anorexic notion that those overweight are somehow bad, that anorexics are superior to overeaters -- when I suppose, theoretically, it's kind of the same thing. It's not as if myself, as anorexic, paid attention to my bodily signs either. Why is an overeater weak for ignoring theirs? But I feel if the book is talking to "overweight people" and asking me as a reader to have a fucking literal conversation with my fat, I don't want to be involved and my blood starts to boil.

I won't argue with the concept of having a dialogue with one's BODY. It sounds useful. She says you can also have a conversation with the "compulsive eater" if you don't feel fat. I feel fat -- as much of a feeling as that can be -- but felt very angry and uneasy when told to talk to my own fat. Why would I? I don't blame my fat for making me eat. I blame myself. Fat may be a byproduct, but it is tissue and never made me eat anything. I should speak to myself. But why did I feel so hostile?

Overall, the entire book is making me very uncomfortable. I do wonder if a post-anorexic might have more of a similar reaction to mine than someone who has never been anorexic. Perhaps, it is that I am used to seeing myself as this underweight person with perfect self-control and, though I don't right now havethat, I refuse to admit that I am powerless and uncontrolled and carelessly shoving food in my mouth while having some fictitious diaglogue with adipose tissue -- how fucked up am I? Anorexics have a certain kind of powerless and lack of control, too -- when I was anorexic, I couldn't control my need to starve. Why do I think one kind of powerlessness is acceptable to deal with while the other is not?

Damn it, they need to write some books that pertain to, more specifically, recovered anorexics who are now compulsive eating. I think I just feel like these books for COE are providing me with some very strong triggers that I always worry will push me back into restricting.

Why does a simple, loving book about taking care of yourself and trusting your body provoke in me something between rage, fear and extreme sadness?

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