My therapist -- she's an eating disorder specialist in downtown Austin -- told me to make a list of things I want to do, but always put off doing until I "am skinny again" and told me to pick two of those things and do them THIS WEEK. Mine this week are:
1) dress however I want to without worrying about my body
2) take pictures for friends and family like I used to
Being chubby now doesn't mean I or my life should be any different from when I was skinny. It's just tissue and bone. It doesn't make me more or less deserving of the things I used to enjoy.
This no-diet stuff is very new to me, that you can lose weight without "dieting" -- also new to me is thinking I am not pathetic, thinking I am still cute, thinking that I'm not a failure, after all, and that I am okay the way I am, no matter what the scale says.
I have been learning in recovery about "mouth hunger" vs. real hunger and how learning to HEAR your body's real cues combined with not dieting or restricting certain foods will actually cause you to eat less and lose weight, naturally.
Making this post and saying, "hey, I'm not skinny right now, so what?" is very important to my healing. People stay overweight, underweight, COE, anorexic, bulimic or ED-NOS -- and people stay miserable with themselves and their lives -- because they feel ashamed of who they are and, in a way, they hide from lots of the good stuff about living! They avoid friends, fun, family, beaches, resturaunts -- they avoid LIFE. This shame and self-hatred is what causes starving, overeating, purging, etc. It's the basis of most eating and weight troubles. And "dieting" encourages self-hatred -- you think you are bad to eat, so you try to control what you eat -- and when you feel bad and hate yourself, you won't EVER reach you natural body size, be it smaller or larger than you are at that moment.
I'm taking it all very slowly, one day at a time. But I feel very happy and, for the moment, very content with me.