nee.nee.tee (______smut) wrote in ed_ucate,
nee.nee.tee
______smut
ed_ucate


i feel like i have to spill my guts and i have no place to do it but here.

you could say i'm knew to this community, but i've really just been in absence. over the past few years i've been in and out of hospitals for various reasons (mono, mental disorders, ed...)

last april, i was admitted to the hospital becuase i was deemed as a threat to myself and others. i won't deny that i was tryign to commit suicide, boulentarily and invoulintarily. i had attempted suicide many times, i didint know what was wrong with me. i was being treated for depression with zoloft, but that only seemed to make things worse. eventually- i was diagnosed with add, ocd, social anxiety disorder, bipolar disorder, dibilitating anxiey, anorexia, body disformic disorder.
i'm 5.10, medium frame. at my lowet weight i was 98lbs. after being hospitalized for a while... and being put on the correct medicine to treat bipolar disorder rather than depression, i was up aruond 114lbs. eventually, through counselling i reacher around 123-138 pounds. of course this wasn't good enough for me, but i remained at this weight because it was still technically very thin for my height, but i longed for the days of being under 100 pounds.

i was taking lithium, and to my surprise, i only gained about 3 lbs. i was exstatic because girls in y therapy group had gained upwards of 25lbs on the medicine. everything was hunky doury until my dosage was upped to 1500mg per day. i started to put on weightlike no body;s busniess. 30lbs later, i'm a wreck. my thyroid stopped functionign and i had to be put 0n more medication to make it work. i know alot of people attribute weight gain on lithium to changes in appetite, but i had no change. while i was not fasting for days and doing liquid diets and eating unde 300 caloriesa a day as i did was i was 98lbs, i was eating healthy foods, 800-1000 calores a day to keep my friensds, parents and doctors off my back. eating this way and excercizing kept me around 125, but to have weight jsut pile on becuase of a medicine is unexplainable.

i dont know what to do with myself. i am so miserable. i restirct, but right nwo im so busy with finishing up school that i have no tiem to excersize. while im at the healthy weight for my height, i feel discusting. i was once 135 and 5.8, but i was solid as a rock ( captain vasrsity FH, versity track and varsity lacrosse) now, i'm 5.10 and around 140 and its all flab. i have never felt so low in my life. it kills me that peopel used to double take when i walked bny to see if i was still alive, and now im jsut anothe average, fat body.

can anybody relate to this? can anybody offer any advice? please:(
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