aestheticwishes (aestheticwishes) wrote in ed_ucate,

I was writing in my pen-and-paper journal the other day, thinking over the way I felt and acted ages 11-14. I know that this was the time that my self-hatred became fierce. It was no longer something I thought about only on rainy days and after insults, but pretty much all the time. This was also the time my disordered eating became a full eating disorder. I became very tearful and angry. I would definitely place a lot of the blame for this on hormones; I was completely overwhelmed and didn't know how to cope with myself. I often wondered if others were feeling such things, and if they were as intense about it as I was.

I would sit in front of the mirror and scream until it physically hurt my throat. Sometimes I was so hysterical, I didn't care if my mother was there trying to hold me down or not. My hair would be around me in clumps on the floor. I would shout that I just wasn't good enough, I never would be, I was so ugly and fat, nobody could ever love me, I was repulsive, a despicable creature... etcetera. I remember, just after I had first expressed this self-hatred to my mother (we were always very close), my father coming up to me and saying, "I hear you've started to think you're ugly. Don't be so stupid. You're beautiful". Now, my Dad isn't the kind of person to drop compliments this easily, or to broach subjects like this. It was the kind of comment that took me by surprise and I remember it making me think "Doesn't everybody feel like this? I thought it was normal".

My question is, really, was anybody else like this at a young age? I think it roughly started at age nine and progressively got worse. I am not an overtly emotional person. I am very emotional, but it is usually pent-up and expressed in private. However, this was an exception - perhaps because it was my mother and perhaps because I was just so overwhelmed.

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