lightasabrick (lightasabrick) wrote in ed_ucate,

Just a Question

Here is what I have been thinking about recently...I have put on a few pounds and my weight now falls in the "NORMAL" range of things for my height.This fact alone has almost destroyed me, I wake up every single day hating. I hate myself, I hate my house, I hate anyone who talks to me or looks at me, I hate my clothes, I hate getting dressed, etc. etc. I am miserable at this weight, but I KNOW that the way that I want to lose weight and the reason I want to lose weight (just to be able to feel better because I am technically "underweight???) is not healthy. So at this point, I feel that my thoughts are still distorted, but my actions are not, and have not been for about a month now. My question then, is this: Do distorted/disordered thoughts (without the follow through actions) lead to recovery (in that the actions are no longer evident and soon the thoughts will fade as well) OR do disordered/distorted thoughts mean impending relapse?
I hate to say it, but I am afraid I am losing this (sickness?? thinness? identity?) and it really scares me.

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