magic. (theblanketthing) wrote in ed_ucate,

Eating Disordered Athletes

So, I scrolled through all the discussion topics and I didn't remember seeing a thread like this, so please link me if I'm wrong because I know there's a ton of info in the memories that I could have missed :)

I'm curious to hear your thoughts/input/stories on being an athlete with an eating disorder. That's pretty much all. I just kind of want to know how athletes with eating disorders, or FORMER athletes with eating disorders deal with well, stuff relating to athletics and eating disorders. Ha, obviously.

I've been an athlete for as long as I can remember. I've always been involved in SOMETHING physically active, and generally I've been involved in more than one activity at a time at a (for years now) highly competitive level. When I first developed eating disordered behaviors, it was a result of a muscle gain (from lifting weights) and a fascination with the way my body performed given different sorts of fuel. I became a vegan, developed severe orthorexic behaviors, and started restricting my specific caloric intake to reduce some of this new muscule mass, which ended up being okay I guess. I mean, it wasn't really that healthy, but restrictive diets are kind of a part of serious athletics anyhow.
About a year ago, for the first time in my life I spent a few months totally void of athletic involvement. As I saw my body change, I freaked out and became bulimic (haha, that sounds so random... I was a bit of a purging orthorexic before, if that makes any sense, so it wasn't that weird or abrupt). When I resumed physical activity (In this case soccer conditioning, so no easy task) I had a really difficult time. Working out at the level I was being forced to resume cut into my eating disordered behaviors, and as a result of bulimia I performed HORRIBLY. I was able to get my bulimia under control after a couple of months of physical and mental anguish, but I still don't feel like I've recovered from the way living in that state made me feel. Even today, I hate physically demanding activities because they make me feel like I'm going to keel over or faint, even though I know it's all psychological.

Now, I'm at another weird stage in my life where I'm going through a lot of changes. I'm not really involved in athletics, and probably wont be on the same level for the rest of my life. Again, I'm dealing with the trigger of my body changing, but I don't really have anything to bring me out of this bad mindset the way reliance on physically demanding activity with others depending on me/pushing me always has. Right now I'm kind of trying to figure out how I'm going to deal with all of this without a bad relapse.


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