I am making a strong, attempt toward, dare I say: recovery. Though, I am not congratulating myself yet; this is a mere baby step and if I know myself, I am aware of my many past baby steps that had inevitably rewound themselves - evolving into giant steps backward. I have always walked half way toward the light, only to detour onto the downward spiral. It seems the term recovery is frightening and the idea of reaching and maintaining the ultimate thinness is more of a comfort zone. My common sense is battling this anorexic mentality - trying at its ninety percent to switch it, reverse it - to lean toward what I know to be more healthy versus what I am conditioned to believe is more culturally accepting, more - socially appealing.
I have been eating. I have also gained back lost pounds. Every weekend I make a point to spend twenty dollars at the Farmer's Market collecting produce, forcing myself to consume at least the healthiest low calorie foods, for substance, for energy. Many days I convince myself that I have over_ate; there are still days I starve. This is not wanting to recover, rather a mere attempt toward not falling in the brink of this disease's capabilities. I will continue to have goal weights, whether reached by means of healthy eating and exercise or e.d. susceptibility. And I will continue to contradict myself as part of the nature of this illness, but I see the sun today and its energy has captured me -
such an Enlightening and Pleasant community,