i found out today that i am not medically stable enough to be discharged (yesterday i was under the impression that my vital signs and my heart were alright; apparently not).
i had two choices;
1) sign the contract, agreeing to comply 100% to the whole treatment plan.
2) be certified; forced to follow the treatment plan, all my freedom taken away, allow the doctors the right to put me on a feeding tube and bed rest if i refuse to eat.
as much as i didn't want to; felt like i couldn't, whatever, i chose the first option.
what would you have chosen?
either way, i would be following the protocol; weight gain will happen; the end result is the same.
i'm absolutely terrified of following the plan, of gaining weight, of eating all my caloric requirement, of hardly being allowed to walk at all.
i can feel the conflict in my head, between the eating disorder and the other part.
here in the hospital, i feel.. accomplished, productive; not like i'm wallowing in a slow, murky sludge of life; i'm curling up in the lounge with a good book for an hour, doing puzzles as time flies by, drawing and writing out my discomfort, playing video games on my laptop instead of going on triggering diet websites.
the eating disorder will be back full force if i start to think about numbers, my weight going up, the amount of calories in what i'm being given; if i think about being tiny and bony and and and.
i'm going to try to make the best of this; i'm extremely anxious about messing up and being unable to follow the plan, because the doctors said that there will be no second chances, if i break any of the rules, i'll be certified, no questions.
wish me luck.
i can always go back after this, right?