in my journal i wrote that physically and mentally i'm so balanced, its the balance that i have been missing. trying to make myself believe that i could keep the balance at 1000 was ludacris now that i look back on it.
in hindsight, so much stuff that i made myself believe these past 9 years is so ignorant. having an ed clouded the truth about eds. the only thing i can think to relate it to is the fashion sense of an 17 year old, so cool at the time and no one could tell you otherwise but give yourself a couple years and you can do nothing but laugh at it.
i can't really explain myself too well right now bc i'm overwhelmed. i've been working on recovery for almost 2 years exactly, and its been up and down, sometimes working forward, sometimes backwards, then bam! i found the final reason that i needed to break free, it was the straw that broke the camels back. all the otherwise insignificant nudges pushing me to recovery added up to a whole.
could i relapse? no. i have passed the point of no return. i didn't push myself here before i was ready. i took every fucking step in the right direction, sometimes it led to a binge or a fast but that didn't mean that i failed. can't go from worst to best without going through the good, the bad and the ugly, right?
the key things that i've learned is to respect and support myself and not to force myself to be something i am currently not, it takes strength and focus, not force.
i would love to hear how this sounds to you other recovered people out there.
or i would love to hear how it worked for you.