lightasabrick (lightasabrick) wrote in ed_ucate,


Things I have noticed today
1) I hadn't purged since December 8th. As the days rolled by, purge free..the more pressure I felt to do "better" and have this be it "it"...the.last.time. The increasing pressure lead to me just saying fuck it and in a sense getting it over with, as I felt like I was going to do it eventually anyways. Instead of feeling worse, guilty, negative..I feel relief that I don't have to worry about "messing up"....

2) I feel I am at the point where I could be "normal" (whatever THAT is) surrounding food, body etc. I have started to feel confident and capable and successful outside of my eating disorder, which is a big part of recovery (I think). The thing that I have noticed is, as soon as I do something "bad" example- get a poor mark, don't keep the house clean, sleep in, etc. I start to feel that my worth is defined ONLY by my eating disorder...and that if I am getting better, I am clearly failing at the eating disorder which in turn means I am a failure in general.

Any comments? Similar feelings? Discussions??

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