i found the following table while searching through an old document in which i used to store planned posts to LJ and other personal diary stuff in spring, 2004 when i was doing a 5-month internship in berlin, germany and didn't have internet in the plattenbau apt. where we international interns/scholars were housed out in the industrial boondocks...
it was really interesting for me to review how i weighed the pros/cons of my ED and of recovery at that time; esp. since i wound up being consistently active in my ED for another good 2 1/2 years! despite therapy and stabs / personal intentions aimed at recovery...
maybe it would be useful to others of you to make a similar graph, maybe not.
22.5.04 - a snippet from overcoming bulimia workbook - i have been filling some of it out and the 'decisional balance worksheet' chart got real messy and smeary so i am going to type it up.
| costs |
| benefits |
|
| short term | long term | short term | long term |
continuing with eating disorder | - spend/waste money on food! - miss out on opp.s to socialize and at time being, 'get to know berlin' - feel tired, headaches more frequent?, less Lust for life, working out, etc. - trouble with concentration/memory vielleicht - don't do all daily tasks | - possible damage to body/psych. wellbeing, blah - have less savings for travel, moving, becoming independent - distracts my attn. from doing my best be it in school, praktikum, finding job, making big decisions, whatevs - feel lonelier, depressed, ashamed -- teufelskreis - don't lose weight or feel fit - waste precious time obsessing about food and not taking risks, making pos diff in world | - sorta enjoy benefits of industrialized nations, middle class life - food, that is. one of simplest human needs/pleasures - gives me smthng to do when not around good friends or really busy; gives distraction from now-unstructured life, stressful decisions/worries - weird sense of accomplishment, identity, satisfaction- however fleeting and cheap and selbstbestrafung-ish | - compared to compulsive overeating, may control weight a bit (!) - confirmation that i am not totally w/o probs/unhappiness-- sorta excuse for unemployability in terms of not giving my all b/c of this sitte, as opposed to blaming my merit and being totally vulnerable? i am sorta just pulling this part out of my arse... - comforting, dependable coping mechanism, definable sense of self, can bond w/others who are psych damaged and 'have' EDs |
working toward recovery | - it would be tough - need to find new habits / coping mechs - would still be lonely, insecure, unsure of purpose/goal in life, etc. - would still be unhappy with body probably - might feel even emptier, more lost | - must deal with my life and myself without this crutch, and would have lonely/depressed spells regardless | - would probably feel proud of myself, if up to challenge; might invest more time in short-term 'worthwhile' activities - perhaps better sleep, other habits? - self-confidence, esteem boost? maybe could enjoy interaction with casual friends/acq.s more? | - would be dealing with the real world, in all of its misery and glory and dullness and beauty - would be healthier for my mind/body, - perhaps have more to give in relationships? - would have time/energy for whatever i deem important / work? - might find new sources of id/self worth? or re-distribute influence of such sources, anyway. |
SUMMARY/ANALYSIS:
contradictions in my costs/benefits?
besides the fact that recovery wouldn't necessarily mean not being lonely/unfulfilled and could still involve me not knowing what to do with my life/how, contradiction = cost and benefit of ED in terms of distraction from loneliness and job-school-life-related decision-making!
process of recovery? how do benefits compare to costs?
my logical side has known from beginning that not having an ED would be better/healthier but i have it anyway and for reasons, good or not. i am not insane. but the probs of loneliness and frustration / disappointment / not figuring out what i want to do / finding interesting job and getting hired remain whether or not i recover, though i suppose recovering could be beneficial for dealing and in any case probably not detrimental compared to not recovering... **i am not yet more than 45-70% committed to immediate recovery, i guess...**
**=i found this bit particularly telling.
{x-posted to my own journal & to life_beyond_eds}
