Grace (deathrvltn) wrote in ed_ucate,

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I'm really lost right now.

Hey there community!

   I'm not really sure if I should put what my eating disorder exactly is, so I'll just do it anyways. I've went through being ed-nos with restricting and purging tendencies, to anorexia, and back to ed-nos with restricting and some purging in my four years of struggling with an eating disorder. Anyways! ha.

  Lately I've been having a lot of trouble with family stuff, and because of that, I've been having a lot more trouble with my eating disorder and ocd than usual. I've been planning a lot of fasts that I back out of, then feel horrible for planning them and at the same time breaking the fast. I've also been restricting lately because I know I can get away with it with everything so hectic at my house and having rehearsals for 2:30 to 6:30 every day.

  The biggest problem about all of this is that I have a boyfriend whom I'm not sure I should stay with and put him through all of my eating disorder stuff. It's not fair to him. Sometimes I'm too depressed, and feel too disgusting to even see him or talk to him. I like him so much, and he's incredibly understanding about everything I'm going through, but I don't want to get sick again and end up ignoring him because I am so concerned with how I am feeling. I don't want him to become fed up with me.

  With Tom I always feel the need to look thin for him, or else I feel like he'll like me less if I gain weight. It's stupid though, because he never knew the anorexic Grace, so he wouldn't compare me to my old weight. But I can't help feeling disgusting around him; he's really little.

  I'm really stuck because I know this is a selfish reason to break up with him, and I like him a lot, but I don't know if I can deal with this while balancing a boyfriend and trouble at home

Does anyone have an suggestions? I'm sorry this post is all over the place, I'm just feeling really down. 
 Thank you. 


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